Deciding that divorce is the best option for your life is never easy. For many people, the moment they finally utter the words “I want a divorce” is the culmination of years of unhappiness, frustration, or failed attempts at reconciliation. But before you say those words, let’s talk about what to do before telling your spouse you want a divorce. There are important steps you can take that will set you up for a smoother process and a better outcome.
Here are 5 steps to consider taking before telling your spouse you want a divorce:
1. Speak to a Divorce Attorney
Once you tell your spouse you want a divorce, the dynamic of your relationship changes immediately. They may become defensive, start preparing for the process, or even take actions that complicate things.
Before that moment, schedule a confidential consultation with an experienced divorce attorney. They can help you:
- Understand your rights under your state’s laws.
- Learn how assets, debts, and parenting time might be divided.
- Get clarity on what your future could look like after divorce.
2. Envision Your Post-Divorce Life
Before walking into that consultation, take time to reflect on what you truly want. Ask yourself:
- Do I want to stay in my home?
- What kind of parenting schedule would work best for me and my kids?
- Will I need to return to work?
- How do I want to manage my finances going forward?
Having this clarity helps you and your attorney map out realistic goals.
3. Build a Support Team of Professionals
Divorce isn’t just a legal process — it touches every aspect of your life. Surround yourself with the right professionals:
- Divorce Coach – Helps you think through decisions and asks questions you may not consider on your own.
- Mortgage Lender – Advises you on refinancing, buying a new home, or what’s possible financially.
- Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) – Provides a clear financial picture and guidance on long-term planning.
- Business Valuator – Essential if you or your spouse own a business.
- Mediator – Offers an alternative to costly, drawn-out litigation.
4. Get a Handle on Your Finances
If you haven’t been involved in managing your family’s money, now is the time to get informed.
- Gather financial statements (bank accounts, credit cards, loans, retirement plans).
- Pay closer attention to your mail and keep copies of key documents.
- Consider opening your own bank account and credit card to start building independent credit.
Remember, in many states, money and assets earned during the marriage are considered marital property — even if only one spouse’s name is on the account.
5. Think About Timing and Communication
How you tell your spouse matters. Dropping divorce papers on them without warning can set a hostile tone for the entire process. On the other hand, telling them too soon may lead to conflict before you’re ready.
A balanced approach is often best:
- Speak with your attorney first.
- File for divorce.
- Then, if it’s safe, consider sitting down with your spouse and let them know before they are formally served.
This approach gives them the courtesy of hearing it from you while ensuring the process is already in motion.
In closing, divorce is emotionally and financially overwhelming, but preparation is empowering. By consulting with professionals, understanding your finances, and carefully planning how and when to tell your spouse, you give yourself the best chance at a fair and less painful process.
If you’re considering divorce, remember — you don’t have to go through it alone. Support, guidance, and planning can make all the difference in starting the next chapter of your life with strength and clarity.