For most people, divorce is one of the most emotional and confusing experiences of their lives. I’ve seen it so many times — clients walk into my office nervous, overwhelmed, and unsure of what to expect. They don’t know the steps in the divorce process, and often don’t realize that there are different ways to go through a divorce, and that the process doesn’t have to be defined by conflict.
My goal as a family law attorney is to help people replace fear with understanding. When you know what to expect, you can make smarter decisions, communicate better with your attorney, and reduce a lot of unnecessary stress.
Here are the five main steps in the divorce process — and what you can do to navigate each one with clarity and confidence.
Step 1: Prepare and Take a “Snapshot” of Your Life
Before filing any paperwork, I encourage clients to gather what I call “snapshots” of their financial and personal situation. These snapshots show what life looked like:
- When you got married
- When you separated or started living apart
- At the time you’re beginning the divorce process
This includes assets, debts, income, expenses, and parenting arrangements if you have children.
You don’t have to know all the numbers yet — just start identifying the key pieces. Did you buy a home during the marriage? Did one spouse use premarital funds for a down payment? Who’s been paying which bills since separation?
Getting this information organized early helps your attorney quickly identify the main issues in your case — and it saves you time and money later.
Step 2: Filing for Divorce
People often ask if it matters who files first. In California, there’s generally no major advantage to being the petitioner versus the respondent. The only difference is that the person who files first presents their case first at trial, if the case ever goes that far.
For many clients, filing first is more emotional than strategic. Sometimes it’s an empowering moment — a way of saying, “I’m ready to move forward.” Other times, clients prefer to wait for their spouse to file. There’s no right or wrong answer. What matters most is that you feel comfortable with the decision.
Step 3: Discovery and Disclosure
After filing, both sides are required to exchange detailed information about their finances. This phase, called discovery, ensures that everyone is being transparent about income, assets, debts, and expenses.
Sometimes this information is exchanged voluntarily. In more complex or contentious cases, attorneys may issue subpoenas, take depositions, or send written questions called interrogatories.
Think of this phase as the information-gathering part of your case. It’s about building clarity so you and your attorney can determine the best way to move forward — whether that’s through negotiation, mediation, or litigation.
Step 4: Mediation and Settlement
In my experience, almost all divorce cases settle before reaching trial. Even highly contested cases usually resolve through negotiation or mediation. In California, mediation is mandatory for custody disputes and strongly encouraged for financial matters.
Settlement discussions can happen in several ways:
- Between attorneys through letters or meetings
- In mediation sessions with a neutral third party
- At a settlement conference before a private judge
The key to success in this stage is managing expectations. If you understand what a realistic outcome looks like — and what a court would likely decide — you’re much more likely to reach an agreement that feels fair and allows you to move on.
Step 5: Post-Divorce Follow-Up
When your divorce is finalized, it’s natural to want to move on and never look back. But there are still important steps to take afterward.
I usually group these into three categories:
- Enforcement: Making sure all court orders are followed, property is transferred, and refinancing or title changes are completed.
- Support: Reviewing child or spousal support as circumstances change — income shifts, parenting time adjusts, or children’s needs evolve.
- Custody: Staying proactive about co-parenting and handling issues quickly to avoid unnecessary conflict.
Ignoring these post-divorce details can create problems down the road, so it’s important to stay organized and compliant with your judgment.
A Final Word: The Light at the End of the Tunnel
While divorce is rarely easy, I truly believe that reaching the finish line can be an empowering, positive moment. For many clients, it marks the start of a healthier, more stable chapter — one defined by clarity, peace, and control over their future.
When your divorce is complete, you’ll finally have answers to questions that may have weighed on you for months or years: What will my finances look like? What will my parenting schedule be? How do I start over?
It’s normal to feel emotional, but also relieved. My best advice is to give yourself permission to exhale — and to start focusing on what comes next.