This is a story of domestic violence, written by my mother, Eileen Gonzales. If you are a victim of domestic violence, I hope this inspires you and gives you hope.
I was 21 yrs old when I married! Today, that is way too young.
I was married for 27 years, I was in love such an intense, deep affection for another person. It’s hard to believe that during those first years or so we were really loving, and we had so many good times. Sad but true, as years go by, you become blind to the unpleasantries thinking it will go back to the loving relationship that once existed. Looking back, I wish there were some warnings on that marriage application and license.
Out of the clear blue sky, you start noticing different behaviors. You start sensing something is not right. You immediately think you have done something wrong so you start trying to figure out what it is that you did wrong. All of a sudden there is a detachment. The relationship starts developing a distance.
Through the years, I continued to endure physical, financial, emotional and other types of abuse. I loved my little family. They were always first and everything to me. I wanted so bad to keep my family together. I was married in the Catholic Church and I took my vows to heart as it should. I prayed. I never realized the damage the abuse was causing not only to me, but to my kids who were witnessing this unhealthy and dangerous behavior. In many ways it was selfish of me not to think of my children first nor the consequences to come. I was in a terrible place, I felt trapped, scared, insecure, confused, and not in a healthy state of mind. Somehow, I held on, and I believe it was the faith I have always had in God.
You do have good days, but the bad days seem to come more often. “I really don’t know what I’m doing wrong. This is my fault.” You blame yourself for anything that goes wrong. There is no communication. It’s either his way, or there is a slap, a push, or you get yelled at; name calling, bad gestures ensue, and then he walks out the door. Sometimes he will come home later or not at all. No phone call. When he comes back your heart is racing, scared, afraid to ask any questions, and all you want is peace, no fighting. I take him back with no questions asked.
As I look back, I was in fact enabling his behavior because, through the years, he continued this behavior and I just let it be, although my heart was breaking. I was afraid of being hit, I was simply afraid of him. I felt I needed him, the kids needed him, and I was not going to leave my home, my family.
He was in control over everything. My pay was deposited into the joint account which he controlled, and he would give me $20 for spending money. Whatever I bought for myself or for the kids as far as clothes and similar items, I would hide until I felt he was in a “good mood” to then tell him.
Through the years the physical abuse continued, and I saw that he would stay more often in “the city” (New York City) whenever he felt like it. He would be hours away from home, from me and the children, never telling me of his plans or where he was staying and why. “His plans” were never a communication we had.
This is no way to live. This no way to raise a family. This was a very unhealthy relationship. And violence has no place in a loving family.
I have come to recognize that we were not good model parents to my children, and I have to live with all the ugliness they witnessed for the rest of my life. My children have always been good kids. They both excelled in school. I was lucky they remained good kids and students throughout all the turmoil they witnessed. They deserved so much better, and my apologies cannot erase history. I feel shame that I was not stronger for them then. All I thought: “I do not want my kids raised without a father.” But this stubborn position is unacceptable in a violent relationship.
Domestic Violence is all about power and control. Sad to say that some of us do not recognize it until it’s right in front of you. And adding insult to injury, we stay and endure the pain. Why?
Intimidation, fear, financial insecurities, fear of losing children – because we feel, he/she will change, they claim they didn’t mean it, they are sorry, they bring flowers and gifts, they take you on extravagant trips, buy clothes…whatever you “want” but nothing you actually deserve and need – respect and a healthy relationship. This is the cycle of Domestic Violence behavior: Honeymoon phase, Tension building phase, Abusive incident.
When tension builds, you (the victim) walk on eggshells, this phase can last from hours to months, builds up and inevitable blow can start, and the victim can’t be sure what will be the “last straw.” After the incident, you enter the honeymoon phase with your abuser. The abuser will apologize, bring gifts, extra affectionate to “make-up” for the abuse. Some will promise to stop, intending to manipulate the victim into staying in the relationship.
Bottom Line: Despite promising it “will never happen again”, in most cases the abuser will NOT change. And unfortunately, the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the victim tries to leave.
My daughter, my son, and I would eventually make it out. When the police were finally called for the last time and when I finally talked with Helen, our family law attorney, things began to shift. And when the Judge ordered Theresa and me to attend counseling, a whole new world opened up for me. This is now about survival.
Over two decades have passed since we left for the last time. But domestic violence remains, lack of awareness remains, and actionable steps to combat this epidemic remain necessary. In sharing this experience, I hope this brings some comfort in knowing we do not have to live in such unhealthy relationships, we do have the upper hand. We are stronger than we think.
I’m so proud of both my kids. They are both successful in their careers and I wish them everlasting happiness!
Like this article? Check out “Dealing With Emotionally Immature Adults in Divorce”