There are a few different instances that happened during the time I was newly separated that caused me to classify myself as temporarily…how should I put this…unstable, borderline insane. One of those times was when I figured out my ex was dating my friend. I have since come to realize how common my situation was.
When I found out my ex was dating my friend–a woman who lived three houses down from me and a woman who I went out with just days earlier and poured my heart out to, I seriously felt like I was going to go insane with my feelings: shock, hurt, and rage. She and I had gotten together a few times–the most recent had been less than a week earlier, and I had told her things–personal things about my ex and our relationship, why I was getting divorced, etc. etc. I opened up. I trusted her.
A couple weeks after I found out, I saw my ex leaving her house at 6am! It was like a stab in the heart. Not just because of him, but because of her, too. I felt utter shock and disbelief. I felt like I’d been burned. I felt stupid. I felt like a naïve chump who was the subject of their laughter.
After those feelings came anger. Immense fury. I wanted to punch both of them! How could they do this to me?! I hated them and everyone else who I thought could possibly know about their relationship. I felt like a victim of deceit. I thought about them giggling and laughing and kissing and being blissfully happy.
That relationship lasted for about 6 months (I think) and years later, I’ve come to realize how I can take my reaction to that whole thing and help others.
The first thing I want to do is validate you if you are in this situation, and tell you that I understand how crazy it can drive you. It feels like no one understands or cares. It feels like everyone has moved on and thinks you should too, and that since you are divorcing anyhow, why does it matter? Because it does!!
Here are some tips on how to handle things if your ex is dating your friend, and how to NOT go insane:
1. Your ex and “your friend” are the ones who should feel stupid, NOT YOU.
What they are doing is unfair and unacceptable. All the negative feelings you are feeling about the situation should be put on them. Would YOU ever do that to a friend? Of course you wouldn’t. Would you date one of your soon-to-be ex-husband’s friends right now? Of course not. Because you have dignity and compassion-something that they are both putting on the back burner right now.
2. Their relationship is most likely working because of the “scandalous and forbidden” element.
That’s half the fun for them. They don’t even realize that. When that wears off, and everyone in the community moves on to the next piece of gossip, and your ex and your friend really get to know each other, the appeal will fade.
3. He or she could be doing this to you to act out his or her anger towards you in a passive aggressive way.
It’s sad but very true. He/she might not even realize that they are with the person to get back at you. Don’t put yourself into that venom. Remove yourself from it and rise above.
4. Grit your teeth, accept it, act classy and show grace to the outside world. It will pass.
I remember people in my neighborhood would tell me they saw them out and I would seriously cringe, and then go home and cry. The people weren’t intentionally trying to hurt me, but I’m not sure why they kept telling me about times they ran into them. My advice: Try your best not to react too much in front of others because it could get back to your ex and your friend. Plus, when the relationship ends, people will remember how you reacted, and you want that memory to be good, like they remember you acted with class and grace.
5. DO NOT make a scene and get into a girl fight with the girl.
It’s unproductive. Obviously you aren’t going to be overly friendly to your ex and your friend. In fact, if you are a little icy that’s okay. Just don’t go crazy and make a scene if you see them out. No good can come from it and it will just bring them closer together and make others think you are the unstable one (which you aren’t!)
6. Call your REAL girlfriends.
The fact that this girl did this to you is probably making you feel insecure about girl friendships. So, call your girls up! Call the ones you know are your true friends. They will support you more than you could have possibly imagined. They will assure you that they are your best friends and that you are loved.
7. Recognize that the relationship probably won’t last.
What are the chances they are going to end up happily ever after? Especially if he is newly separated. If it does, you can handle it, but most likely you won’t have to.
8. Focus on your own life.
It doesn’t matter what HE is doing or what SHE is doing. SHE obviously is a bad friend and you and he are getting a divorce, regardless of her, right? So, let them have their fun and concentrate on making your own life better. Focus on your kids, your career, and your love life, if you choose. Dating after 50 can be wonderful! A good friend used to say to me, “You’re on your own road. Focus on where you are going.”
Lastly, if you are on the other end of this, meaning if you are the one who starts dating your friend’s ex, PLEASE handle it this way: Confront your friend and apologize. Say something like, “This isn’t personal. We really like each other. I hope you understand that we don’t want to hurt you. I’m so so sorry.”
My friend (ex-friend) who was dating my husband decided to handle it in the most despicable way: she acted like SHE was mad at ME! She started giving me the silent treatment, and acting like I had done something really bad to HER! That shows no self-awareness, and a sense of entitlement, along with massive insecurity.
Had she told me in the right way, I still would have been upset, but it would have made me feel like she cared about my feelings. But she handled things in her own way, and that’s something I couldn’t control. If your friend is dating your ex, you can’t control them, you can only control yourself, how you handle it, and how you get the support you need to be able to live with it. And I know you can do that.