After practicing family law for 15 years, I have learned that there are some common things people worry about in divorce. Some are legal questions. Others are emotional. And many fall somewhere in between.
One of the most common things I hear is, “I just do not trust my spouse.” That lack of trust can show up in many ways. You may worry that your spouse is hiding money, that they will try to take your children away, that they will introduce a new partner too quickly, or that they will try to make you look bad in front of the kids.
These concerns are understandable. Divorce is scary, and once you decide that your marriage is ending, the rules of the relationship change. Trust can disappear almost overnight. But there is an important distinction between what feels wrong and what actually has legal significance.
Here are six common things people worry about in divorce and my advice:
1. “I Do not Want My Spouse to Have Custody Because They Do not Parent as Well as I Do.”
Usually in a marriage, one parent has done the majority of the day-to-day parenting. Maybe you handled the school forms, doctor’s appointments, homework, meals, bedtime and extracurricular activities. You know your children inside and out.
Then divorce happens, and suddenly your spouse wants equal or substantial parenting time.
Your reaction may be:
“But they do not do things the way I do.”
Maybe they give the kids too much junk food. Maybe bedtime is later. Maybe they do not make the kids brush their teeth. Maybe they let them play video games for hours. Those things can be incredibly frustrating. But general differences in parenting style are not necessarily grounds to prevent a parent from having custody or parenting time.
To be clear, I am not talking about physical abuse, neglect, substance abuse or a situation in which a child is genuinely unsafe. Those are entirely different circumstances and should be addressed immediately with an attorney and, when appropriate, other professionals. I am talking about two parents who have different parenting styles.
In Pennsylvania, for example, the threshold for being considered a parent is relatively basic: providing food, clothing and shelter, assuming there are no other serious safety concerns. That can be difficult for the parent who has always done more.
But here is something I learned when I was litigating custody cases: sometimes you have to give the other parent the opportunity to parent. They may not do it exactly the way you would. They may make mistakes. But that doesn’t necessarily mean they are a bad parent.
Most parents love their children and want to do right by them. Sometimes a parent who has not historically taken on as much responsibility simply needs the opportunity to step up. And if they truly cannot handle parenting responsibilities, that often becomes apparent over time. Give it a chance to play out, assuming your children are safe. And remember that your children are watching how you handle this.
If you demonstrate that you trust the other parent to care for them, your children may feel more secure. You may even begin to rebuild a level of trust and cooperation with your former spouse.
2. “I Know My Spouse Is Hiding Money.”
Before you spend tens of thousands of dollars trying to find money that may or may not exist, you need to consider the business side of the decision. Divorce is not just a legal process. It is also a financial transaction.
If you spend $40,000 or $50,000 on forensic accounting and ultimately discover $10,000, was that a good business decision? Maybe. Maybe not. It depends on the circumstances, what you already know, the likelihood that additional assets exist, and what those assets could mean to the overall settlement.
If you have substantial assets and a legitimate reason to believe money is being hidden, forensic investigation may absolutely be appropriate. But if resources are limited, you need to weigh the potential return against the cost.
This is where I believe having an attorney who understands the bigger picture can make a difference. Yes, I want my clients to receive everything they are legally entitled to. But I also want them to make smart decisions.
Sometimes the best strategy is not to spend enormous amounts of money pursuing something simply because you believe it is there. And yes, small-business owners can make financial investigations particularly complicated. Tax returns may not tell the entire story, especially when there are business deductions and other financial considerations involved. That’s why it is important to work with professionals who know what questions to ask.
3. “I Do not Trust My Spouse.”
This statement can mean many different things. Maybe you do not trust your spouse with the children. Maybe you do not trust them to disclose all of the marital assets. Maybe you do not trust them not to take money or valuable possessions. Maybe you do not trust what they are telling you about their business.
Whatever the reason, my advice is:
Trust, but verify.
Before you even have the conversation about divorce, if you are able to do so safely and appropriately, start getting your financial and household information organized. Take an inventory. Photograph valuable possessions. Gather bank statements. Get statements for retirement accounts and other financial accounts. Keep copies of mortgage information and other significant financial documents. If you have valuable artwork, jewelry or other property, document it. Your phone can make this surprisingly easy. You can walk through your home and photograph what is there.
The goal is not to become suspicious or adversarial. The goal is to understand what exists.
In Pennsylvania and New Jersey, parties have obligations regarding disclosure of assets and liabilities. Whether an asset is titled in your name or your spouse’s name, it may still need to be disclosed. You should understand your marital estate before you negotiate how it will be divided.
As I always say:
Prior planning prevents poor performance.
Walking into a divorce unprepared puts you at a disadvantage.
4. “My Ex Is Bringing His/Her New Girlfriend or Boyfriend Around the Kids.”
This one can trigger a tremendous amount of emotion.
You may feel angry, betrayed or simply uncomfortable watching your children spend time with your ex’s new partner. So, what can you do?
The legal answer depends heavily on the circumstances and the laws and practices in your jurisdiction. Judges can also have different views on when and how a new romantic partner should be introduced to children.
That is why you should talk to a local attorney who understands how these issues are handled in your court.
As a general matter, however, I often advise clients to avoid rushing into introductions of new romantic partners. Waiting six months to a year can be a reasonable general guideline, depending on the circumstances.
But what if your ex introduces someone sooner?
If there is no abuse or neglect, you may not have much legal standing to prevent it. This is a prime example of where morality and the law are not on the same page. What might be morally reprehensible might be completely acceptable in the eyes of the law. That can be incredibly frustrating.
My advice?
Do not add fuel to the fire.
Be “plain vanilla.” If your children come home and say, “Dad’s girlfriend took us to dinner,” you do not need to interrogate them or make a dramatic response.
You can simply say, “That’s nice.”
Over time, your children are going to form their own opinions about the adults in their lives. Also, remember: your children did not ask for any of this. Furthermore, the other parent is part of who they are. Attacking the other parent can be perceived as you attacking them.
Your job is to protect them from being caught in the middle.
5. “My Ex Is Being Mean to Me in Front of the Kids.”
This is one of the hardest situations for parents. Your ex sends nasty texts. They make insulting comments. They criticize you in front of the children. Your natural reaction may be to defend yourself. Do not. At least not in front of the kids.
Children should not be placed in the middle of their parents’ divorce. And you should never disparage the other parent in front of them.
I know how difficult that can be because I have been through divorce myself. I understand that emotions can take over. If you feel yourself about to say something you will regret, walk away. You can even tell your children, “I’m sorry. I need a moment.”
And if your spouse behaves badly in front of the children, you do not have to excuse that behavior.
You can say to your children:
“I’m really sorry you had to witness that. It wasn’t appropriate.”
Then remove them from the situation if you can.
Your children are watching. They are learning from how you respond to conflict. You may not be able to control your ex’s behavior, but you can control your own. And if you need to vent, find an appropriate outlet. Talk to a therapist, divorce coach, trusted friend or family member. Just do not make your children your emotional support system.
6. “I’m Afraid My Spouse Won’t Be Able to Handle the Divorce.”
Sometimes the person who wants the divorce is deeply worried about what will happen to their spouse afterward. What if they fall apart? What if they can’t cope? What if they stop functioning? What if they aren’t okay for the sake of the children?
If you feel this way, it doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong. In fact, it often means you are a compassionate person. But there is an important boundary you need to establish:
You cannot carry someone else’s baggage.
You can be compassionate. You can be kind. You can communicate respectfully. You can make reasonable choices about how you deliver difficult news. But you are not responsible for managing your spouse’s emotional life.
If there are concerns about your spouse’s safety, those concerns should be taken seriously and addressed appropriately. But you should not allow guilt to keep you trapped in a marriage that you know needs to end.
And remember, you are responsible for yourself and your children. Your spouse is responsible for themselves. This is definitely difficult if you were the main caregiver of the family.
There is a way to move through divorce with dignity without humiliating or intentionally hurting the other person.
For example, you do not have to serve papers on someone at their workplace when you can serve them privately, thus sparing them the embarrassment of being served at work.
You can say, “I am going to file for divorce. I would like to handle this quietly and respectfully. Let’s have a conversation about how we move forward.”
Kindness and boundaries can coexist.
Keep It Simple
Divorce can tempt you into overthinking everything. Every text feels significant. Every interaction feels like evidence. Every decision feels like it could determine the rest of your life. But sometimes the smartest strategy is surprisingly simple.
Be prepared.
Know your finances.
Verify information rather than blindly trusting it.
Protect your children from the conflict.
Do not react to every provocation.
And remember that you are not responsible for carrying your spouse through the divorce.
Most importantly, try to remember that divorce is a business transaction as well as an emotional experience. Your goal is not to “win” every argument. Your goal is to reach the best possible outcome for yourself and your children while protecting your financial and emotional future. Sometimes, being “plain vanilla” is actually the strongest move you can make.