Not sure what to do in divorce? You’re not alone. If you’re going through a divorce, chances are you have a lot of questions. What documents do I need? How long is this going to take? What should I say to my spouse? What should I avoid saying? How much is all of this going to cost?
Then there is another question many people are ask themselves: Should I really call my attorney about this? I understand the hesitation. Legal fees can add up, and you may worry that every phone call or email is going to increase your bill. But I also want you to know that your attorney is there to help you through this process.
At the same time, there are things you can do in your divorce outside of your attorney’s office that can make the process more manageable, and potentially get you a better outcome.
Here are five things to do in your divorce:
1. Take Care of Yourself
This sounds like the obvious advice everyone gives you during a difficult time. But I mean it, and let me explain.
Divorce can take an enormous emotional toll, whether you were married for a few years or several decades. And while I may be able to see the eventual end of the legal process, you may not be able to see it yet.
A divorce may take months. In some cases, it can take much longer. Litigation can take years. That is why I want you to mentally prepare yourself for the possibility that this will not all be wrapped up as quickly as you would like.
More importantly, don’t put your life on hold while you’re getting divorced. You don’t have to wait until the divorce is final to experience happiness again.
Make plans. Take a trip. Try something you’ve always wanted to try. Take tennis lessons. Join a pickleball team. Get together with friends. Cook dinner with your kids. Whatever brings you joy, make room for it.
You are going through a difficult chapter, but this chapter does not have to become your entire life. Let your attorney handle as much of the legal process as possible, and give yourself permission to focus on the parts of your life that are still good.
2. Get Control of Your Finances
One of the first things I tell clients is that they need to understand their own financial picture. This can feel overwhelming, especially if your spouse handled most of the finances during the marriage. But gathering your financial information is an important part of the divorce process, and in many cases, it is information your attorney will need anyway.
Think of it as a financial deep dive. You might not enjoy doing it, but getting it done early can help. Start by identifying your bank accounts, credit cards, income and major expenses.
As a general starting point, if you are not yet in litigation, I like clients to gather:
- Six months of bank statements for every account you have access to
- Six months of credit card statements
- Six months of pay stubs
- The last two years of income tax returns, including W-2s
- Documentation of significant expenses
If you have children and child support is an issue, keep track of what you are actually spending on the children. Save receipts and document expenses. You may be surprised by how much those everyday costs add up.
The exact documents you need will depend on your circumstances and, if you are in litigation, the requirements of your jurisdiction.
The bigger point is: don’t wait for your attorney to chase you for documents. Be proactive. The sooner your attorney has the information they need, the sooner they can analyze your situation and move the case forward.
And if gathering all of this information feels impossible, ask for help. A divorce coach can help you organize the administrative side of the process. You don’t have to do everything alone.
3. Limit Unnecessary Communication With Your Ex
This one can be very difficult. You were in a relationship with this person. You know them better than almost anyone. So when something comes up during the divorce, it can be tempting to simply text them and try to work it out.
I see clients communicate with their spouses or exes because they want closure, they want an answer, or they think they can save money by working something out themselves rather than involving their attorneys. I understand why that is appealing. The problem is that because of anger, resentment and other divorce-related feelings, communicating with a soon to be ex can get complicated.
You may have a perfectly reasonable conversation one day, and then something happens that changes the emotional dynamic. Suddenly, what you thought was an agreement is no longer an agreement. Or something that was said in a text becomes part of a larger dispute. Unnecessary communication can also prolong the process and create additional confusion.
That doesn’t mean you should never communicate with your ex. If you have children together, communication about their health, schedules, education and well-being is obviously important. But when it comes to the legal aspects of your divorce, think before you engage.
If your ex proposes something, you don’t have to immediately agree or disagree. You can simply say, “Let me think about it” and then talk to your attorney.
Your attorney can help you understand whether the proposal makes sense, what the potential consequences are, and whether it should become part of the legal negotiations.
Be as civil as possible, particularly when you have children. But you also don’t need to remain unnecessarily intertwined with your ex throughout the divorce.
4. Find Healthy Ways to Manage Your Big Emotions
Divorce is emotional. You may experience anger, sadness, grief, fear, loneliness, resentment, relief or even hope, sometimes all in the same day. Those emotions matter. But your divorce attorney should not be the only person helping you process them.
If you already have a therapist, use that’s wonderful. If you have a trusted friend or family member, lean on them. Divorce coaches are very helpful, as well. And consider talking with people who have actually been through divorce themselves, or joining a divorce support group.
Divorce can be incredibly isolating. Your closest friends may love you dearly, but they may not understand what it feels like to end a marriage, navigate custody issues, worry about finances and make major decisions while grieving at the same time. People who have experienced divorce often understand those emotions in a completely different way.
There is something powerful about being able to say, “This is what I’m feeling,” and having someone respond, “I understand. I felt that way, too.”
There will be times when you absolutely need to talk to your attorney about something emotional. That’s okay, too. Sometimes your attorney needs to understand what you are experiencing in order to properly represent you. But remember that attorneys are not mental health professionals.
Most importantly, give yourself time to grieve and heal. You do not have to “get over” your divorce on someone else’s schedule.
5. Be Very Careful About Using AI for Divorce Advice
AI is everywhere, and I understand why people going through divorce are tempted to use it. You have a question at 11 p.m. Your attorney’s office is closed. You don’t want to pay for a phone call just to ask a basic question.
So you type the question into a chatbot. The problem is that legal information found online or generated by AI may be incomplete, inaccurate or missing important context.
Divorce law is particularly complicated because laws vary by state, and the answer to a legal question can depend heavily on the specific facts of your situation. AI can also create false confidence. You might find a case online and conclude, “This happened in that case, so this is what is going to happen in my divorce.”
But when your attorney actually examines the case, it may not mean what you thought it meant. The details and legal context matter.
There is another issue that is particularly important in litigation: privacy.
Information you enter into an AI tool does not automatically have the same protections as confidential communications with your lawyer. Depending on the circumstances and applicable law, information entered into digital tools could potentially become relevant in litigation. So please think carefully before entering sensitive information into a chatbot.
If you want to use AI to learn general information, keep your questions general and educational rather than entering highly personal details about your marriage, finances, children or legal strategy.
And when you have a question that could affect your case, ask your attorney.
Your Divorce Is a Process, Not Your Life
Divorce can consume an enormous amount of your attention. There are documents to gather, decisions to make, emails to answer, emotions to process and, often, children to care for while you are trying to keep your own life together. But remember this:
Your divorce is something you are going through. It is not who you are.