The question every single person who ever went through a divorce asks is, “How do I get through this?” Friends and family try to give us advice like, “Just focus on your kids,” “Make sure you have a good lawyer,” “Stay strong. You can handle it,” or “You’re going to be fine. It will be over soon.”
People tend to focus on getting through something, whether it’s divorce or any life event, problem, issue, or tough time, almost like life will be perfect if we can just get through our current struggle and reach the finish line. I often hear divorcing men and women say, “I can’t wait till the divorce is final. I just have to get there.”
I was at a funeral earlier this week, and the dear, sweet man who passed away at age 92 had a favorite poem called “The Station,” by Robert Hastings, a famous minister and author. His son read the poem and it was so touching to me, I thought I would share it, and then tell you why this directly applies to your divorce.
The Station by Robert Hastings
Tucked away in our subconscious minds is an idyllic vision. We see ourselves on a long, long trip that almost spans the continent. We’re traveling by passenger train, and out the windows we drink in the passing scene of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at a crossing, of cattle grazing on a distant hillside, of smoke pouring from a power plant, of row upon row of corn and wheat, of flatlands and valleys, of mountains and rolling hills, of biting winter and blazing summer and cavorting spring and docile fall.
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But uppermost in our minds is the final destination. On a certain day at a certain hour we will pull into the station. There will be bands playing, and flags waving. And once we get there so many wonderful dreams will come true. So many wishes will be fulfilled and so many pieces of our lives finally will be neatly fitted together like a completed jigsaw puzzle. How restlessly we pace the aisles, damning the minutes for loitering … waiting, waiting, waiting, for the station.
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However, sooner or later we must realize there is no one station, no one place to arrive at once and for all. The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly outdistances us.
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“When we reach the station that will be it!” we cry. Translated it means, “When I’m 18, that will be it! When I buy a new 450 SL Mercedes Benz, that will be it! When I put the last kid through college, that will be it! When I have paid off the mortgage, that will be it! When I win a promotion, that will be it! When I reach the age of retirement, that will be it! I shall live happily ever after!”
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Unfortunately, once we get it, then it disappears. The station somehow hides itself at the end of an endless track.
“Relish the moment” is a good motto, especially when coupled with Psalm 118:24:
“This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.”
It isn’t the burdens of today that drive men mad. Rather, it is regret over yesterday or fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves who would rob us of today.
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So, stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead, climb more mountains, eat more ice cream, go barefoot oftener, swim more rivers, watch more sunsets, laugh more and cry less.
Life must be lived as we go along. The station will come soon enough.
What I want to say to those going through a divorce is, the divorce will be final at some point. Don’t expect that your life is magically going to be better on that day. I don’t say that to depress you, but rather to inspire you to forget the finish line and “enjoy the trip” as Hastings puts it.
In other words, don’t just get through the divorce. Actually LIVE your life during it. What does that look like?
- Grieving. Take time to let yourself cry. Let yourself be angry and feel like this isn’t fair. Feel sorry for yourself. It’s OK to feel all of these things and it’s actually healthy.
2. Reflecting. What went wrong? Why didn’t it work? What are the things you see now that you didn’t see all these years? What could you have done better? What did you do that was good? Why did you choose this person? How did the person change? What are your values? Have your values changed? Do you want them to? Reflection is a wonderful way to look in the mirror and be honest about things. It’s not always easy, but it feels good to admit truths and learn from them.
BUT, reflecting is not regretting. Regret is different, and spending too much time on regrets is unhealthy. “I wish I wouldn’t have nagged so much,” “I wish he wouldn’t have cheated,” “If I’d been a better wife, maybe we’d still be together,” “Had I married my old boyfriend instead of him, I’d probably be so happy right now.” These are toxic things to dwell on. And as Hastings puts it: “It isn’t the burdens of today that drive men mad. Rather, it is regret over yesterday.”
3. Learning and growing. Have you ever heard a therapist or a divorce coach say “Divorce is an opportunity?” and you want to punch them in the face? Well, I’m going to tell you that they are right! I can’t tell you how many people I talk to who say much later, “The divorce was a blessing.”
People reinvent themselves all the time, and say that if they hadn’t gotten divorced, they wouldn’t have the wonderful life they have now. They also find love-a healthier love, and a much better fit for them. But I will warn you, you won’t find the healthier love without working on yourself first, without getting the support your need, without making mistakes while figuring things out, and without pursuing a life you love. Work on YOU first and let the love come to you through the positive, confident, and self-loving vibes you are putting out into the universe.
4. Appreciating. Remember I said that it’s healthy to feel sorry for yourself? That’s true, but it has a shelf-life. At some point, the shift from victim to gratuitous person has to take place. If you think about it, you lost a marriage, but what else have you lost? Do you still have your health? Do you still have children? Do you still have a roof over your head? Food? Freedom?
I’m not saying that losing a marriage is something to take lightly. Divorce is a huge frigging deal and it’s painful and difficult and scary as hell. But if you change your mindset, you are changing your life for the better. What do I mean? Every time you feel sorry for yourself, or like things feel unfair, or you don’t know why God would do this to you, or you see your ex move on, or you feel stressed about money or the kids, cognitively tell yourself to block out these unproductive thoughts and shift to: Here are the things that I have… Here’s a list of what’s going well… That might be something as simple as looking forward to ordering a deep dish pizza or visiting your best friend in another city, or hugging your dog.
5. Enjoyment. Yes, you can still enjoy your life while going through a divorce. Don’t feel guilty for having fun or laughing or being happy at times. You deserve it, and it’s all part of the trip. Even the saddest times in life are peppered with smiles and laughter and moments of joy. I have a dear friend who underwent a bone marrow donation to try to save her son who had cancer. She told me later that she and her sister were cracking jokes while they were prepping her for surgery up until the time they took her to the O.R. It was successful and her son ended up living, by the way.
What I want to say in conclusion is that if you think your divorce being final is reaching the station, you are wrong. We all know deep in our hearts when we will reach the station, and that’s not morbid. That’s just part of life.
So instead of trying to get to the end of the divorce, just let God carry you through the journey. That doesn’t mean you don’t have to try for anything, and it doesn’t mean that you can’t have dreams and set goals for yourself. Patience is something that is hard for me, and if you feel the same, then enjoying the trip is how you manage patience. Slow down and each day, reflect on what you learned today, what you did for others, and how you made a difference in the world-even in a very small way. Don’t rush through it. Cherish the trip because good things are going to happen to you—even during the darkest days of your divorce. And the finish line is merely a formality of the end of your marriage. The trip is a priceless experience that will set you up for a better, happier life if you let it.
Like this article? Check out “The Most Valuable Asset You Have in Your Divorce”
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