If you’re feeling afraid of change, I understand. Change is difficult. Even when we know something needs to change, taking that first step can feel overwhelming. Change can be uncomfortable, painful, and stressful. Sometimes, even when we’re unhappy with where we are, the familiarity of our circumstances feels safer than the uncertainty of what comes next.
I understand that feeling personally. I’ve experienced tremendous change in both my professional and personal life. After more than 30 years in the mortgage industry, I recently experienced one of the biggest professional transitions of my career when Oak Leaf Community Mortgage was acquired by Nations Lending. Although my role and my commitment to helping people with their mortgage needs remain consistent, many aspects of the business changed.
But perhaps the greatest change in my life I’ve experienced was going through divorce.
After 20 years of marriage and several difficult periods when divorce was on the table, my marriage ultimately ended. The final divorce process lasted three and a half years. When it was finally over, I remember feeling as though I was experiencing a death. There was grief, uncertainty, and the realization that the life I had known was no longer the life I was going to live.
I’ll never forget something my attorney told me that day. He said, “Grasp the change, and don’t be afraid of it.” Those words have stayed with me.
If you’re going through divorce, contemplating divorce, or simply facing a major life transition, I want to share a few things I’ve learned along the way.
The Fear of the Unknown Can Keep Us Stuck
One of the biggest barriers to moving forward is the fear of what we don’t know. When you’re married, even if you’re unhappy, there’s a certain comfort in knowing what your life looks like. You know your routine, your home, your finances, and what to expect when you wake up each morning.
Divorce changes all of that. Suddenly, you may be thinking about where you’re going to live, how you’re going to manage financially, what your relationship with your children will look like, and whether you’ll ever find love again. Those are legitimate fears.
But here’s something important to remember: Every life change comes with fear because of the unknown. In fact, it’s completely normal to feel afraid when you’re walking into unfamiliar territory. Sometimes the greatest opportunities for us to grow from in life come from experiences we never would have chosen for ourselves.
I’ve heard countless stories from divorced men and women who tell me that the fear that could have held them captive was important to work through to receive what the other side of those uncertain moments ended up providing. They applied growth from the experience that positioned them for what life now provided. An opportunity to have joy and new purpose within the life that is now present for each of them to live.
Don’t Let Your Past Define Your Future
One of the most important things you can do after divorce is stop allowing regret to dominate your thoughts. Reflect on the regret as a blessing to self-evaluate, understand where the areas of who you are can be worked on to control what you can for yourself, and apply action to this need that brings positive growth and strength.
It’s easy to look backward and ask yourself questions like:
- Why did I stay so long?
- Why didn’t I recognize the problems earlier?
- Why did I make those choices?
- Could I have been a better husband or wife?
- What would my life look like if I had done things differently?
I went through that process myself. I spent time reflecting on the mistakes I made in my first marriage and recognizing the ways I could have been a better husband and father. But eventually, I realized I couldn’t change the past. I could only change who I was going to be moving forward.
That required forgiveness. Not just forgiveness of other people, but forgiveness of myself.
We all have regrets. We all have things we wish we had done differently. But those experiences don’t have to become our identity. Instead of spending all your energy thinking about what your marriage lacked or what your former spouse did wrong, ask yourself:
What can I learn from this experience, and what can I do differently moving forward?
For me, that meant taking an honest look in the mirror and recognizing the things I needed to change about myself. I spent years in counseling and doing the personal work necessary to become the person I wanted to be. My faith in Jesus Christ has became a centered foundation of that transformation into who I am in my identity and how that reflects on how I love myself and others.
I eventually realized that if I wanted a healthy, loving relationship in the future, I had to become someone who could contribute to one.
Today, I’m incredibly grateful for the marriage I have. I never could have imagined how beautiful a relationship could be, and I recognize that the work I did on myself, and continuing to do every day, makes the joy I have in life today possible. Divorce can be an opportunity to grow into a better version of yourself.
Stop Living in the Past and Start Living in the Present
It’s easy to become consumed by the past, especially when you’re going through something as emotional as divorce. But spending your days only thinking about what you should have done differently can prevent you from recognizing what’s possible today. You still have time.
You have time to reinvent yourself, pursue something you’ve always wanted to do, build new friendships, discover new interests, and create a life that reflects who you are today.
One of the things I’ve learned is that personal growth doesn’t happen all at once. It happens in the little decisions we make every day. It is a never ending process of growing that brings new awareness to attend to. For me, that starts with asking myself how I can show love to the people who come into my life that day. First and foremost, that’s my wife. I want her to feel loved through my words, my actions, and the way I treat her.
That philosophy extends beyond marriage. It’s about how we treat our children, our friends, our coworkers, and even strangers. I often ask the people serving us at restaurants if there’s anything I can pray for them about. I’ve been doing that for 15 or 16 years. It’s amazing how much a simple question can change someone’s day when they realize not only does another person genuinely care about them, but that God loves them.
My point is that we don’t have to wait until our divorce is finalized to start living a meaningful life. Don’t make the end of your divorce the finish line. Make the journey itself meaningful.
Every day, look for something you can learn, someone you can encourage, or something positive you can contribute to another person’s life. And remember to include yourself in that equation. You deserve love, kindness, and compassion, too.
Hope and Optimism Can Carry You Through Difficult Times
If I could give someone going through divorce two words to hold onto, they would be hope and optimism. When you’re walking through a difficult season, hope is what helps you believe there’s something better waiting on the other side. That doesn’t mean you have to pretend everything is fine.
There will be days when you feel discouraged. There will be days when you worry about money, your children, your future, or the possibility of being alone. There may be mornings when getting out of bed feels like an accomplishment.
Don’t beat yourself up for having those feelings. We’re human. We all experience difficult moments. What matters is that you don’t allow those moments to convince you that your future is hopeless.
For me, my relationship with Christ became a tremendous source of hope. During one of the most difficult periods of my divorce, I found strength through my faith and by joining a small group of men who became some of my closest friends. For others, that immediate strength may come from a current church community, a therapist, a divorce support group, close friends, or family. Whatever gives you strength, find it and hold onto it.
Find Your Community, and Be Careful Who You Let Into Your Life
One of the biggest mistakes people can make during divorce is isolating themselves.
You need people around you who encourage you, support you, and help you see that there is life beyond your current circumstances. The people who bring positivity into your mindset, not those who want to keep bringing you down.
Find a community where you feel comfortable being yourself. It could be a fitness class, a hiking group, a church community, a support group, or simply a few friends who make you feel good about yourself.
You don’t have to wait until your divorce is over to start doing things you enjoy. In fact, finding something positive to look forward to can make an enormous difference. At the same time, be intentional about the people and situations you allow into your life.
When you’re feeling vulnerable, it’s easy to gravitate toward unhealthy relationships or activities that temporarily distract you but ultimately create more problems.
You don’t have to jump into everything. You don’t have to start dating immediately. You don’t have to fill every empty moment. In fact, holding off from dating and taking the time to really get to know “you” again is a powerful direction to take for yourself. Let yourself heal while allowing the time needed to be engulfed in the peace waiting for you to rest in.
Choose the things and people that bring you positive strength, personal growth, and genuine support. The right community can remind you of your worth when you’re struggling to see it yourself.
Focus on What You Can Control
One of the best pieces of advice I’ve heard is to control what you can and not spend your energy worrying about what you can’t. You can’t change what happened in your marriage. You can’t control how your former spouse behaves. You can’t predict exactly what your life will look like a year from now. But you can control how you respond to each day lived.
You can decide to work on yourself. You can choose to treat people with kindness. You can seek help when you need it. You can take steps toward financial stability and create a plan for your next chapter.
As someone who has spent more than three decades helping people with mortgages, I’ve seen how important a sense of stability can be when life changes. Decisions about buying or selling a home, managing a mortgage, and establishing financial independence can feel especially significant during divorce.
You don’t have to figure everything out at once. Surround yourself with knowledgeable professionals who can help you understand your options and make informed decisions.
The post Afraid of Change? Don’t Be. Instead, Grasp It appeared first on Divorce Blog | Divorce Support Blogs.