Divorce is rarely a single event. It is a process that unfolds across emotional, legal, social, financial, and spiritual dimensions. Most people move through these layers at very different speeds, which is why even a good divorce–even the most amicable divorces can suddenly stall, erupt, or veer completely off course.
For approximately thirty years, I have helped women and men navigate these complex inner and outer transitions. One of the most valuable frameworks I use is something called the Six Stations of Divorce. Although first described in the early 1970s by anthropologist Paul Bohannan, these stations remain profoundly accurate today.
Understanding them can help you make sense of your own experience, your former partner’s behavior, and the reasons your divorce may not be progressing the way you expected.
The Six Stations of Divorce
Bohannan’s model describes divorce as six parallel divorces that may happen concurrently or at different times:
1. The Emotional Divorce
This is the internal uncoupling. One partner may have emotionally left the marriage long before any legal action begins. The other may still feel stunned or blindsided when the process becomes official.
2. The Legal Divorce
This is the part most people think of when they imagine divorce. Legal documents, filings, negotiations, mediation, and the court process all fall here.
3. The Financial or Economic Divorce
The practical restructuring of resources. It includes dividing assets, assessing income, determining support, and confronting the realities of post-divorce financial life.
4. The Parenting Divorce
This includes custody, parenting schedules, caretaking responsibilities, and the complexities of transitioning from one home to two.
5. The Community or Social Divorce
Divorce ripples into friendships, neighborhoods, school communities, holidays, and social circles. People often do not expect the social upheaval that may ensue.
6. The Psychic Divorce
Bohannan used the word psychic to describe the deep psychological transformation from being a “we” to becoming a “me.” I think of this as including the spiritual divorce, the process of addressing the meaning of marriage, commitment, and separation.
Why Divorces May Go Off Track
Even in a a good divorce, partners rarely arrive at each station at the same time. This mismatch is one of the primary emotional reasons that communication in a divorce can suddenly unravel.
1. One person is in shock and the other is ready to move forward
The partner who initiates divorce has typically been emotionally preparing for months or years. The partner who receives the news may be genuinely stunned.
Shock can trigger overwhelm or emotional paralysis. These feelings may stall the legal and financial process.
Sometimes waiting two or three weeks allows the shocked partner to stabilize enough to participate productively.
2. The social or community divorce hits unexpectedly
People are often blindsided when friends pull away, a neighbor behaves differently, or their former spouse starts dating someone in the shared social circle. Even if someone wanted the divorce, they may not be emotionally prepared for these social losses.
3. The financial reality becomes frightening
When discovery begins and financial documents start rolling in, the partners often experience fears around financial security. Questions arise. Can I support myself? Will I need to go back to work? What will my lifestyle look like?
Nobody can negotiate well from a place of fear.
4. One partner is eager to finalize because they are already in a new relationship
The person who wants to remarry or move forward quickly may push for speed. The other partner may still be processing the emotional or financial divorce.
The pace mismatch can cause friction and delays.
5. The house becomes a symbol of the family
Almost every divorce I see includes conflict around the home. For many people, letting go of the house symbolizes letting go of the intact family and the memories.
Not surprisingly, people often cling fiercely to the home even when it makes no financial sense.
6. The “maybe we should try again” phase
When one partner moves out and the immediate conflict subsides, the good memories can flood back. When this happens, thoughts of reconciliation may surface and cause confusion for one or both partners.
What You Can Do When Your Divorce Stalls
1. Slow down to speed up
This is the most counterintuitive but effective strategy. When emotions escalate, progress may slow down. A temporary pause can help move things forward more efficiently.
2. Consider communicating through attorneys
If you need to slow things down but do not want to create false hope, have your attorney communicate the pause. This keeps boundaries clear while giving everyone space.
3. Recognize which station you and your partner are in
Awareness is powerful. If your former partner is grieving emotionally, socially overwhelmed, or terrified financially, you cannot expect productive negotiations that week.
4. Seek support early
Therapy or divorce coaching helps you understand where you are, where your partner is, and how to build empathy into the process. When each person feels seen and understood, conflict reduces, clarity increases, and progress may get back on track.
In closing, divorce is not just a legal endeavor. It is an emotional, social, financial, psychological, and spiritual transformation. When partners move through these stations at different speeds, the divorce process can easily become complicated or derailed. Awareness, patience, empathy, and support can help keep the process steady and can reduce unnecessary conflict and pain.