Divorce is often described as a legal process. But in truth, every divorce is an emotional divorce.
After more than 30 years practicing family law, I have seen brilliant professionals, thoughtful parents, and rational adults make decisions in divorce that they later regret. Not because they were unintelligent. Not because they had poor legal advice. But because they did not understand that every divorce is an emotional divorce, and they didn’t know how to work with their emotions instead of against them.
Being emotionally savvy does not mean suppressing your feelings. It does not mean crying less, feeling less, or pretending you are fine.
It means knowing how to use your emotions to your advantage.
Emotions Are Information, Not Enemies
A common piece of advice in divorce is, “Put your emotions aside.”
I think that is unrealistic. It is also unhelpful.
You are ending a marriage. You may be grieving, angry, afraid, betrayed, or overwhelmed. Of course you are emotional. The goal is not to eliminate emotion. The goal is to understand it.
Emotions are signals. If you feel intense anxiety about selling the house, that feeling is telling you something. The question is not how to get rid of the anxiety. The question is: What is that anxiety about?
Is it fear of change?
Fear of financial instability?
Fear of uprooting your children?
Fear of losing your community?
When you ask yourself, “What is really going on here?” you begin to uncover your core values. And your core values are what should drive your divorce strategy.
Positions vs. Interests: A Critical Distinction
In negotiation, there is a difference between a position and an interest.
A position sounds like this:
“I want to keep the house.”
An interest sounds like this:
“I want stability for my children.”
“I want to stay in this school district.”
“I am afraid I will never again have a mortgage rate this low.”
“I do not want to face two major life changes at once.”
When you cling tightly to a position, it is often because it temporarily relieves anxiety. If you tell yourself, “I will keep the house,” it feels like one problem is solved. But unless you understand the interests underneath that position, you may miss other solutions that meet your needs just as well or better.
Perhaps staying in the same neighborhood matters more than the specific house.
Perhaps delaying a move for a year would ease the transition.
Perhaps financial security matters more than location.
Emotional savvy allows you to identify what truly matters and negotiate around that.
Understanding the Other Person
Divorce negotiations are not conducted with strangers. They are conducted with someone you know very well.
Your spouse has interests too. Even if you strongly disagree with their perspective, they believe their concerns are valid. If you do not understand what is driving them, you cannot craft a durable agreement.
One of the most powerful things you can do in mediation or negotiation is to truly listen.
Let the other person speak.
Do not interrupt.
Do not mentally prepare your rebuttal.
If you need to, write down what you want to say and wait your turn.
And when possible, find something you can genuinely agree with.
You might say:
“Yes, I agree that stability for the children is important.”
“Yes, I agree that we both need financial predictability.”
That small moment of acknowledgment changes the tone from adversarial to collaborative. It does not mean you are conceding everything. It means you are building a bridge.
Being “tough” in divorce rarely produces better outcomes. Being strategic and emotionally intelligent does.
Strategy Before Proposals
Many people rush to make proposals before they have a strategy.
That is backward.
Before you suggest terms, you need information:
External information:
- What are the assets and debts?
- What is the house worth?
- What are your monthly expenses?
- What income is available?
Internal information:
- What are your priorities?
- What are your fears?
- What does your spouse value?
- What kind of life do you want to build?
Only after gathering both types of information should you brainstorm options.
Often, it is more effective to present two or three reasonable proposals rather than one. Negotiation psychology tells us that people are unlikely to accept the first offer outright. Giving options invites collaboration instead of rejection.
And whenever possible, have conversations instead of simply exchanging written demands. Tone, nuance, and human connection matter.
How Do You Know It Is a Good Deal?
At some point, you will be faced with a decision: accept the agreement or go to court.
People often ask me, “How do I know if this is the right deal?”
There are two ways to evaluate it.
First: Does it work for you?
Not compared to your neighbor’s divorce.
Not compared to a story you heard at school pickup.
Not compared to what you wish had happened.
Does it meet the interests you identified at the beginning? Can you see yourself living a stable, meaningful, perhaps even happy life a year from now? Five years from now?
Second: How does it compare to what might happen in court?
Your lawyer can give you a realistic range of possible outcomes if you litigate. Is the proposed agreement within that range? If so, it likely reflects a fair compromise.
But there is something many people overlook.
When you reach your own agreement, you have more flexibility than a judge does. Courts are limited by statute. You and your spouse can be creative. You can trade items a court would never structure in the same way.
There is also the price of freedom. Going to trial is not simply a matter of being “right.” It requires time, money, emotional energy, witnesses, documents, and risk. Even if you might receive a somewhat better financial result, you must weigh that against the cost of getting there.
Sometimes, the desire to go to court is driven by a deeper emotional need: to be validated. To have a judge declare that your spouse behaved badly.
Courts are not in the business of moral validation. They are in the business of legal resolution.
If what you truly need is to be heard and validated, that is better addressed in therapy or coaching, not litigation.
Ask Yourself the Hard Question
Throughout the process, return to this question:
“What is really going on here?”
Why am I resisting this settlement?
Why do I feel compelled to fight this issue?
What am I afraid of?
What am I trying to protect?
Answer yourself honestly. Sometimes it helps to say the answer out loud. Speaking the question and the response can clarify your thinking in a powerful way.
When you understand your emotions, you are less likely to be controlled by them.
Emotional Savvy Is Strength
Being emotionally savvy is not about being soft. It is about being smart.
It means:
- Understanding your own motivations.
- Listening for the other person’s underlying needs.
- Gathering information before acting.
- Evaluating agreements based on your long-term values.
- Choosing resolution over retribution when it serves you.
Divorce will always involve emotion. The question is whether those emotions will drive your decisions unconsciously, or whether you will use them as a compass.
When you choose the latter, you are not just getting divorced.
You are building the foundation for your next chapter with clarity, intention, and strength.
Like this article? Check out “Are you Being Emotionally Savvy In Your Divorce?”