Wondering how to deal with divorce as a man? I would know. The day my ex-wife and I told our kids we were getting divorced, I did what men are trained to do: I held it together. What I didn’t know then was that “holding it together” would nearly destroy me.
I’m writing this because I’ve been where you might be right now: staring at the wreckage of what you thought your life would be. The statistics are sobering. Divorced men face significantly elevated risks of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. The suicide rate for divorced men is nearly twice that of married men.
I felt like I was drowning. My identity as a husband and provider had evaporated overnight. When people asked how I was doing, I said “fine” even when I was anything but. Admitting any of this felt like admitting I’d failed at being a man.
Why Divorce Hits Men Differently
About 70% of divorces are initiated by women. That means most men didn’t see it coming. Your wife has often been thinking about this, preparing mentally, maybe even talking to friends or a coach for months before she tells you. By the time you hear the words, she’s already grieving. You’re just starting.
But it goes deeper than who files first. Research shows that men experience greater health gains from marriage than women, which means divorce puts us at higher risk of health declines. For most men, being a provider isn’t just what we do. It’s who we are. When your marriage ends, you don’t just lose your wife. You lose your primary purpose as you understood it.
Women tend to rely on broader emotional support networks and are three times more likely to seek out support services before filing. That’s the cruel irony: you thought you were being a good husband by providing. She felt abandoned while you were working yourself to death. And when it ends, she has her support system in place. You have work, and not much else.
I did make it through, but not by toughing it out alone. I made it through by doing things that initially felt uncomfortable and completely foreign to how I’d been taught to handle hard things.
Acknowledge Your Emotional Reality
For the first six months, I told myself I was handling it well. I was functional, which I mistook for fine. What I wasn’t doing was feeling anything. I had become a master at compartmentalization.
The problem with boxes is that they don’t stay closed forever.
The moment things began to shift came on an otherwise ordinary Tuesday. I was sitting in my apartment, staring at a picture of my kids. Without warning, I started crying. Full, body-shaking sobs. I was terrified. I was also, for the first time in months, honest.
Studies show that men who suppress emotions during divorce are at higher risk for depression and substance abuse. Men who actively acknowledge and work through their feelings recover faster.
Start naming what you’re feeling. Write it in a journal. Say it out loud. Text it to a friend you trust. You might feel angry. You might feel relieved. You might feel both in the same hour. None of it makes you less of a man.
Build a Support System
Research shows that men are more likely to rely on romantic partners for emotional support and less likely to have emotionally close friendships. When the marriage ends, men often lose their primary source of support and have few backup options. The result is profound isolation, and isolation during divorce is dangerous.
For months, I withdrew. I convinced myself my friends wouldn’t understand. What I was actually doing was marinating in my own misery and calling it strength.
The turning point came when an old friend who’d been through divorce reached out. That conversation felt like taking off a mask I’d been wearing for months. He got it. He didn’t try to fix me or offer empty platitudes. He just listened.
Here’s what you need:
- Reconnect with old friends who you trust
- Be selective but honest about how you’re really doing
- Join a men’s group, whether a formal divorce support group, men’s therapy group, or online community for divorced dads
- Don’t abandon your routines with friends
Men who maintain or build social connections during divorce have better mental health outcomes and higher overall life satisfaction. Finding other men who understand what you’re going through can be transformative. Connecting with others navigating the same journey reduces the sense that you’re alone in this.
Get Professional Help Early
I waited ten months before seeing a therapist. Ten months of white-knuckling my way through each day, convinced I could think my way out of the darkness. Those ten months were the most dangerous period of my life, and I wasted them on pride.
Despite experiencing higher psychological distress than divorced women, men are substantially less likely to seek support. We’re more likely to self-medicate with alcohol or throw ourselves into work.
When I finally sat down with a therapist, the first thing she said was, “You don’t have to be broken to be here. You just have to want to get better faster than you would on your own.”
That reframed everything.
Why Divorce Coaching Is Different
Therapy helps you process past trauma and understand your emotional patterns. Divorce coaching helps you build a strategic plan for your future and develop the emotional regulation skills to execute it.
A therapist helps you understand why you feel what you feel. A divorce coach helps you manage those feelings in real-time so you can make better decisions, communicate more effectively with your ex, and build the life you want on the other side.
My coach taught me “the pause.” Before responding to an inflammatory text, before making a decision in anger, I’d take a deliberate pause. Ten seconds. Thirty seconds. Sometimes an hour. That simple practice changed everything.
We mapped out my financial strategy, co-parenting approach, career trajectory, and health goals. We broke everything down into manageable steps with clear timelines. We role-played difficult conversations and developed scripts for setting boundaries.
A key difference: therapy looks backward to understand and heal. Coaching looks forward to build and grow. Most men in divorce need both.
Take Control of Your Physical Health
About four months into my separation, I caught my reflection and barely recognized myself. I was gaunt, hollow-eyed. I’d stopped eating regularly and working out entirely.
Then my daughter asked, “Daddy, why do you always look so tired?” That night, I decided to take care of my body the same way I was trying to take care of my legal case: strategically and intentionally.
Exercise became non-negotiable. I fixed my sleep routine. I started eating like I gave a damn. I learned to manage stress actively. I limited alcohol.
Within two months, I had more energy, better mood stability, and clearer thinking. My kids noticed. More importantly, I felt in control of something when everything else felt chaotic.
Your body and mind are the foundation for everything else. You can’t co-parent effectively or rebuild your life if you’re running on empty.
Strategize Your Future With Intention
About a year into my divorce, my coach asked me: “Who do you want to be on the other side of this?”
I didn’t have an answer. I’d spent a year in survival mode.
Here’s what most people don’t tell you: divorce isn’t just an ending. It’s a reset. Everything is on the table: where you live, how you spend your time, what your relationship with your kids looks like, what kind of person you want to become.
For me, getting intentional meant developing strategies for finances, custody, career, co-parenting, and personal identity. When I started approaching co-parenting like a business partnership focused on the kids’ best interests, it got dramatically easier. My kids are thriving now precisely because their mom and I chose to do it right.
At some point, you need to shift from reactive mode to strategic mode. Take stock of your whole life. Define what success looks like three years from now. Break it into actionable steps. Get help from professionals who specialize in transitions.
The Road Forward
I wish I could tell you there’s a shortcut. There isn’t. But how you go through it matters enormously.
The men who suffer most aren’t the ones who had the worst divorces. They’re the men who tried to tough it out alone, who refused to acknowledge their emotional reality, who avoided professional help.
The men who come through divorce intact are the ones who had the courage to be vulnerable, the wisdom to ask for help, the discipline to take care of themselves, and the vision to see this crisis as an opportunity to intentionally redesign their lives.
I worked with a therapist who taught me to process emotions I’d avoided my whole life. I worked with a divorce coach who helped me develop emotional regulation strategies and build a concrete plan. I built a support system of men who understood. I took control of my physical health.
I transformed what could have been the worst thing that ever happened to me into a catalyst for becoming the man I’d always wanted to be.
You can do the same. But you have to start. You have to acknowledge that you’re struggling, reach out for support, get professional help, take care of your body, and make intentional choices about who you want to become.
Don’t be a statistic. The shame you feel about struggling is a lie. The belief that real men don’t need help is a lie that’s killing men every day.
Seeking support is strength. Acknowledging your emotions is courage. And building a meaningful life on the other side of divorce is completely possible if you’re willing to do the work.
Your marriage ended. But your life didn’t. What you do next matters.
I’m rooting for you.
Note: If you’re interested in joining my men’s growth support group, click here or email me at: [email protected]