When most people picture divorce, they imagine some sort of emotional cage match—two exhausted adults circling each other with sharpened spreadsheets, waiting for the next strike. Winning. Losing. Keeping score. A power struggle. Grabbing the moral high ground like it’s the last parking spot at Whole Foods.
And then they walk into mediation with that mindset—and everything falls apart.
Here’s the truth I teach every day:
If you show up to mediation with the goal of proving you’re right, you almost guarantee you won’t get what you actually want.
Not because you’re a bad person. Because you’re human. Divorce kicks up grief, fear, shame, guilt, anger, and the greatest hits of “all the things we’ve never said out loud.” Without support, those emotions take the wheel.
Let’s talk about how to change that.
You Might Be in a Power Struggle and Not Even Know It
Divorce brings out instincts we don’t always recognize—defensiveness, blame, a fierce desire to protect our narrative. It’s understandable. Friends take sides. Kids pick up tension. The identity you’ve known is shifting. And suddenly it feels urgent to prove your version of the story.
But this is where people get stuck.
When we spend our energy defending the past, we lose sight of the outcome we’re trying to build for the future.
Part of my work is helping clients separate:
- the emotional threads that deserve space and healing, from
- the business of divorce and co-parenting, which requires clarity, strategy, and self-control.
You can process the anger privately. The negotiation table is not the place for it.
Why Coaching Before Mediation Is a Game Changer
A question I hear constantly is:
“How on earth am I supposed to convince my soon-to-be-ex to work with a coach before mediation?”
The answer: You don’t.
I do the heavy lifting for you.
I start by meeting with each person separately. I listen carefully, help them feel understood, and give them a place to express all the emotion that would otherwise hijack the mediation session. Once both people feel grounded and heard, I bring them together for what I call the Agenda for Success meeting.
This hybrid approach works because it allows each person to:
- Vent without blowing up negotiation
- Turn grievances into clear, actionable requests
- Practice tolerating discomfort instead of reacting to it
- Stay accountable with a neutral guide who keeps the conversation moving
And then—this is the magic—both people walk into mediation holding the same roadmap.
Imagine showing up to a challenging conversation already knowing:
“Here’s where we agree. Here’s where we need to work. Here’s how we’re going to stay on track.”
It changes everything.
The #1 Mistake People Make in Mediation
There’s one mistake that derails mediation faster than anything else:
Starting with criticism.
The moment you lead with You always… or You never…, the other person’s brain flips into self-protection mode. And when someone feels attacked, they do not negotiate. They defend. They dig in. They shut down.
Instead, try leading with the ask.
It’s simple, powerful, and—yes—far more strategic.
Example
Not helpful:
“You never put our son to bed on time, so how can I trust you with overnights?”
More effective:
“We both want him well-rested. Can we agree on a consistent bedtime, even on weekends?”
It’s not manipulation.
It’s clarity. It’s leadership. It’s the communication style that actually gets results.
Why Divorce Is Basically… Sales
I know—it’s not romantic. But it’s true.
In divorce, you’re essentially selling your co-parent on ideas, schedules, solutions, and transitions. And here’s the kicker: You cannot sell anything by leading with criticism.
You get farther by showing:
- what benefits the kids,
- what reduces friction, or
- what creates stability for both households.
This isn’t about being overly nice. It’s about staying strategic enough to get the “yes” you’re looking for.
But What If Your Ex Responds with Anger, Defensiveness, or Toxicity?
Deep breath. This one comes up a lot.
Some people remain reactive, even when you’re calm. When that happens, keep these principles close:
- You cannot control what happens in their home.
Courts do not micromanage bedtime or broccoli consumption. - If the communication is abusive, use a co-parenting app.
Many apps filter language and enforce neutrality. - Do not take the bait.
You do not need to respond to every hostile comment.
Let the mediator—or me—redirect the conversation and hold the boundary. - Your strength is your regulation.
Staying calm and steady is not weakness. It’s strategy, and it can shift the entire dynamic.
I coach clients to tolerate the discomfort of hearing something upsetting without reacting. It is one of the most transformative skills you’ll ever learn.
Another Classic Pitfall: Talking About the Past
Ah, the past. It’s rich. It’s layered. It’s full of plot twists and character development.
And it does not belong in mediation.
Mediation is a business meeting, not a therapy hour.
When you bring up:
- the last ten years,
- every “always,”
- every “never,” or
- every disappointment you’ve cataloged…
…you pull the conversation away from the solutions that matter now.
Instead, I’ll ask you:
- What do you want today?
- What do your children need now?
- What will support the next chapter of your life?
That’s where we focus.
The Most Underrated Skill in the Room: Listening
Most people come to mediation ready to explain, defend, or persuade. Far fewer arrive ready to listen.
But listening is one of the most effective tools you have—not because it’s polite, but because it lowers the emotional temperature instantly.
Try beginning with:
“I heard you say…”
It doesn’t mean you agree.
It simply signals: I’m paying attention.
And when people feel heard, they soften. They open. They problem-solve.
Listening is not surrender.
It is strategy.
Final Thought: Take Care of You First
If you’re scared about the outcome of your divorce—and let’s be honest, most people are—there’s one essential step you cannot skip:
Regulate your nervous system.
You cannot make wise decisions from panic.
You cannot negotiate effectively when you’re dysregulated.
And you certainly cannot hold boundaries when you’re exhausted.
So tend to yourself.
Therapy. Coaching. Somatic work. Sleep. Breathwork. Connection. Boundaries.
Whatever helps you feel grounded, use it.
Show up with intention, clarity, and the version of yourself who knows what truly matters.
When you do, everything becomes more possible—cooperation, stability, and the outcome you deserve.