Divorce is new, unfamiliar territory, and most people learn as they go. Mistakes are normal and, in many cases, unavoidable. The goal is not perfection. The goal is to minimize the missteps that can create unnecessary stress, cost, or long-term consequences. Let’s discuss what not to do during divorce.
After more than twenty years practicing divorce and family law, I have seen patterns in the mistakes people make. These mistakes are human. They are driven by fear, grief, anger, and the enormous emotional weight of ending a marriage. The good news is that many of them can be prevented once you understand what to watch for.
Here are some of the most common divorce mistakes, why they happen, and how to avoid them.
Mistake 1: Letting Emotions Lead the Legal Strategy
Divorce is emotional. It has been compared to the grief of losing a loved one, and those stages of grief show up throughout the legal process. People often tell me they want a lawyer who is more aggressive or more of a “shark.” What they usually want is someone to channel their pain, fear, or anger into the legal filings.
The problem is that emotional decision making often leads to unnecessary litigation, inflated legal bills, and outcomes people regret once the emotions settle. I can give clients aggressive options, but those actions take time and money, and many clients become upset later when they see the cost or realize the result did not actually help them.
How to avoid this:
Process your emotions in the right place. That is not your attorney’s office at six hundred dollars an hour. Therapy and divorce coaching create space to sort through feelings, understand what you really want, and stay grounded. They reduce conflict and help you communicate more clearly with your legal team. This saves money, time, and unnecessary tension.
Mistake 2: Moving Into a New Relationship Too Quickly or Publicly
A new relationship during divorce is not automatically a mistake. For some people, it can be uplifting, stabilizing, or even healing. The mistake is going public with it. Posting pictures, sharing relationship updates, or flaunting your happiness can inflame your spouse, even if they wanted the divorce. Hurt people make reactive decisions. I have seen a peaceful divorce become hostile overnight simply because someone posted a picture with a new partner.
Judges usually do not appreciate this either. It can undermine your credibility and create avoidable conflict.
How to avoid this:
If you are dating, keep it private. Enjoy it, but do not post it, flaunt it, or rub it in your spouse’s face. You can share your new relationship after your divorce is final and emotions have cooled.
Mistake 3: Sending Emotional or Angry Texts
Texting has become the primary way people communicate during divorce, and it is one of the easiest places for people to make mistakes. Heated text messages, long emotional paragraphs, sarcastic comments, and insults all become permanent evidence. Even one message taken out of context can harm you in court or mediation.
I often teach clients the BIF method from Bill Eddy: Brief, informative, factual, and friendly. Be neutral. Be clear. Avoid reacting to provocation. There is no rule that you must respond right away. Unless it is an emergency, you can take time to cool off.
How to avoid this:
Think of every text as something a judge may eventually read. If you are upset, write the text you want to send in a notes app or email draft and never send it. Walk away. Respond later with a neutral, clear message, or do not respond at all. Silence is often the most powerful response.
Mistake 4: Using Alcohol or Substances to Cope
Divorce is painful. Many people cope by drinking more than usual, going out excessively, or turning to substances to numb the stress. I have seen people temporarily revert to their college-age selves, with social media photos documenting nights out. Even if you are a wonderful parent, these snapshots create a dangerous narrative that can be used against you.
Judges care deeply about stability and decision making. A short-term coping mechanism can be misinterpreted as a pattern, especially in custody cases.
How to avoid this:
Moderation matters. Avoid posting photos of nights out. Ask friends not to tag you. If you notice your drinking increasing, get support early. Therapy, coaching, medication, exercise, yoga, meditation, and creative outlets are far healthier ways to manage stress. Getting help is not a weakness. It demonstrates responsibility and strong coping skills, which judges actually respect.
Mistake 5: Throwing Away Wedding Photos, Videos, the Dress, or Selling the Ring Too Quickly
When emotions are raw, people often want to erase the past. I understand the impulse, but this is one of the biggest regrets clients tell me about years later. If you have children, getting rid of wedding photos or mementos can send a painful subconscious message that their origin story no longer matters. Children often want to see those photos someday, even if the marriage ended.
I once had a family member who discarded their entire wedding album during the divorce. The child from that marriage grew up and later expressed how sad they were never to see pictures of their parents together during a happy time. You cannot recreate those memories once they are gone.
How to avoid this:
Put the photos, videos, and dress somewhere out of sight. A basement storage room, attic, or closet works well. Give yourself at least three years before deciding what to do with them. Time changes perspective, and you may be grateful you kept them for yourself or for your children.
Final Thoughts
Divorce is a major life transition, not a legal transaction. It tests your patience, your resilience, and your sense of identity. Mistakes are part of the process, but most can be minimized with self-awareness, support, and thoughtful decision making.
The best thing you can do is surround yourself with the right professionals, communicate wisely, take care of your mental health, and avoid impulsive actions during emotional moments. With clearer thinking and the right guidance, you can move through your divorce with less conflict, more confidence, and a much stronger foundation for your future.