It’s easy to judge someone for getting divorced because of no sex in marriage.It sounds very trivial to some people when they hear about a divorce caused by lack of sex-as if sex is the most important thing to that person and they aren’t grateful for their wonderful marriage. I could not disagree more. Why? Because when there is no sex in marriage, and one person wants it, there are usually many more underlying problems. In other words, it’s not the lack of sex that breaks people up, it’s the underlying causes that lead to lack of sex that break people up.
There are many reasons people might not have an interest in sex. These can include depression, menopause, bad timing, physical issues, low libido, stress, addiction, medications that might have this side effect, an eating disorder, lack of sleep, or they are having sex elsewhere.
But there’s another HUGE reason why some people don’t want sex: built up, underlying resentment and anger. Who would want to have sex with a spouse if they have this secret anger and feel that there are many things from the past that they resent? Would you want to jump into bed with someone who you feel has wronged you? No way.
A lot of people tell me, “My spouse never wants to have sex with me,” and the first question I ask is: Is there respect in the marriage? Do you treat each other with kindness and thoughtfulness? Do you go on dates?
What I’m saying is, no one wants to have sex with someone who is mean to them, who doesn’t treat them with kindness and respect, who doesn’t show an interest in them, who is moody/hot and cold. Who isn’t thoughtful. Who forgets your birthday or doesn’t do anything to acknowledge it. Who doesn’t want to go on trips you want to go on.
What leads to sex is: respect, kindness, thoughtfulness and dating your spouse.
Here is an email I received from a woman in her late thirties, who has been married for 5 years and is now thinking of separating because of no sex in marriage:
My husband and I are having sex twice a year. Over the years, I got tired of always being the initiator and the one to make the first move, so I stopped. This lead to us not being intimate, and now me no longer being attracted to my husband. When we do try to be intimate, it is awkward and doesn’t turn me on. My husband no longer knows my body, where to touch me, or what to do to please me.
My husband and I have each been to our own therapists, couples therapy, and also have talked endlessly about the topic. He admitted he has had this issue in past relationships, and he said not having sex is not a deal breaker for him in a marriage. I admitted for me it is. I am now finding myself seeking attention elsewhere.
I am in the BEST shape of my life, feel beautiful and not getting any younger. The tough aspect of this is I have a wonderful husband in most other aspects. He is respectful, loves me to pieces, is patient, goes out of his way to help me, is always here for me to support me, and he really wants our marriage to work. Others tell me it sounds like he is just merely my best friend.
I keep convincing myself divorcing over sex is not realistic because eventually that aspect fades. But I know in my heart that intimacy may fade, but usually not after such a short period of time. There is so much more I want to do to explore my sexuality and sensual side, and know in my heart it won’t be with my husband. But is that a reason to leave? He is definitely not open to a having an open relationship or infidelity. Can we really have it all…emotional love and physical love?
Being an outsider and just reading this one email, here is what I see: The husband for some reason does not want to have sex. I do not think it is resentment towards his wife or that he is not attracted to her. I also don’t think he is cheating, but that is always a possibility. Or, maybe he is gay and unwilling to admit it to her or even to himself.
He sounds like a good man and a loving husband in many ways, but something is bothering me about him. He knows his wife isn’t happy, he knows she wants to be intimate with him and he isn’t giving her any options. He isn’t giving her sex, and he isn’t open to her sleeping with someone else. And, he doesn’t want a divorce. So, what is she supposed to do? Accept this aspect of the marriage that has been making her miserable and unhappy for years? And, I don’t think the woman wants sex just to have sex.
I think sex connects people emotionally. Sex makes you feel like a couple. Sex makes you feel loved and adored. Sex sustains the intimacy part of your relationship. That is why sex is important. In other words, it makes you more than friends.
If his attitude is, “Sorry, I don’t want sex and that’s the end of it,” than he is really saying, “I don’t care enough about this marriage to save it.” He might want to stay together because he is complacent, scared to be alone, or deep down he knows this might happen in his next relationship.
I did follow up with some additional questions for my reader and in her next email back to me, she explained that her husband isn’t active, and that he drinks every night. So, there you go. Is he an alcoholic? And/or is he drinking to numb some kind of pain? Something is going on with him and he isn’t willing to really face it.
Sure, you can go to couples therapy and talk and talk and talk, but nothing will get solved until he looks in the mirror and gets up the courage to truly lay his issues out on the table. From there, he can begin to get help. In other words, nothing will change or get better until he is willing to verbalize what’s going on with him, no matter how hard it is for him to do that. It’s very sad and I feel for him and the way he is struggling. I see a good man who needs help and who needs to figure out a way to make his wife happy.
I am not saying the wife is perfect. I have no idea what he would say about her if he wrote to me. But, if she is saying that he is “respectful,” “loves me to pieces” “goes out of his way to help me,” than the no sex part is something he needs to answer to, and if it is simply, “I just don’t have the libido,” than possibly start by getting help from a physician to get it.
That said, he might be over-compensating in all these other areas, and treating his wife wonderfully because he feels guilty for the lack of sex. He might think if he is this perfect husband, she will never leave. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like she will accept the marriage on his terms.
This poor woman, who is keeping herself in the best shape she possibly can, is suffering. I want to tell her, “It’s not you!” You are attractive and beautiful and young and you deserve sex and intimacy if that’s what you want, especially from the person you are married to!
So, “Does No Sex In Marriage Justify A Divorce?” I think it does and it doesn’t.
It depends on so many factors. But, it all boils down to the reason for the no sex, and if the person is willing to make an effort to give the other what he or she needs. I recently heard a very smart and insightful comment from a woman who has been married for 50 years: “Love is not a feeling, it is a choice,” she said. She is so right! If two people want it badly enough, it will work out. Love will follow the choice.
