Since most couples getting divorced have never gone through a divorce, they don’t understand the divorce process, which can seem very overwhelming. Divorce is often driven by emotion and relies often on what a couple “thinks” they need to do, based on what they hear from others. However, every divorce is unique and requires a very specific set of actions and decisions. This article is intended to educate about what not to do, before hiring a divorce attorney.
Here are 10 mistakes couples make before they even hire an attorney:
- They Don’t Work On Your Marriage Enough
Sometimes couples think divorce is their best option, when all they really need is support and help to enrich their relationship. Especially when children are present, it is important to know you have tried everything to keep your family together, happily. Discernment Counseling is a process that can help you both decide if you want to work on your marriage or divorce. If you want to work on your marriage, don’t give up after working with one marriage counselor, sometimes it takes trying a couple approaches before you find one that helps you both find success.
2. One Files For Divorce Before Informing The Other Spouse
If you want a more amicable divorce, it is always best to share your feelings with your spouse before you file for divorce. Filing without informing your spouse is a very aggressive step and one that is often perceived very negatively. Doing so makes it harder to move toward an amicable divorce. Also, it doesn’t matter “who” files first, so you should not be in a race to file because it has no impact on your divorce, other than defining who would present arguments first, in the event your divorce is not settled before a trial in front of a judge (and 95% of divorces settle before going to trial).
3. One Tells The Children About The Divorce Before Informing The Other Spouse. Or, One or Both Tell The Kids Before Finalizing A Parenting Plan
Your children are your most valuable “assets” and the likely the best thing that came from your marriage. You may have been wrestling with this decision for a long time, but when they hear of your divorce it will be “Day 1” for them, and it will take them a lot of time to understand and deal with what will be happening to their lives. When you tell them before you talk to your spouse, you incite well-deserved anger from your spouse that you did not share a unified and fair message. When you tell them before you complete your parenting plan, they will ask questions you can’t answer and will assume the worst.
4. They Take Advice From Divorced Friends Instead Of From Divorce Professionals
It’s natural to seek guidance from friends who have gone through divorce. But it is best to lean on them for emotional support. Every divorce is unique, and their process, their lawyer or mediator, their outcome, is not at all the the best path for you. Divorce professionals will seek to learn about your unique situation and provide the best guidance for you. Consider working with a divorce coach, speaking with a therapist, engaging with a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (“CDFA”), Certified Divorce Lending Professional (“CDFA”) and consulting with a divorce mediator before you meet with a lawyer.
5. One Moves Out Of The Marital Home Impulsively Or During Your Divorce
It’s ok for one spouse to move out of the marital home before starting a divorce process, but it is best to work with a professional first to help create a separation agreement that creates a foundation for parenting and finances while living on two separate homes. It is also not recommended to commit to a long-term rental or to purchase a new home during your divorce process, especially before you understand your financial picture post-divorce.
6. They Make Parenting Or Financial Agreements Together Without Being Supported By A Divorce Professional
Often times a spouse will make offers or demand certain agreements. It is always best to say “thank you for your thoughts, let me give it some thought and let’s discuss as part of the broader discussion with our divorce professionals”. Agreeing to a proposal without considering the larger implications can often cause you to accept something that is not in your best interest. It is always best to confer with your divorce professional(s) before providing a response.
7. One Begins A New Romantic Relationship Before The Divorce Process Is Underway
If you know your marriage is over, it is always best to invest in the divorce process before creating a diversion for yourself by having another romantic relationship. Doing so will cloud your judgment about your marriage and potentially cause you to accept divorce when you might have been able to work on your marriage. Even if you are certain you want to divorce, having a romantic partner will not be perceived well by your spouse or your friends and family, especially your children. It is acceptable to date during your divorce process, however, it is best to not do so publicly or to share any details on social media; doing so can create hostility and complicate your divorce process.
8. One Or Both Believes They Have To “Win”
Especially initially, many spouses think they need to “win” the divorce, especially when emotions are high. However, in Illinois and in many other states, you are required to have equitable outcomes, without even considering who is at fault for the divorce. Equitable outcomes means a fair division of assets and spousal and/or child support that provides continuity of the standard of living enjoyed as an intact family, as best possible considering all of the families income and abilities. If you have children, you both want to ensure that they have equal opportunity to enjoy their standard of living at both parent’s homes. Unfortunately the state does not give you income or assets when you divorce, only requires you to divide yours equitably.
9. They Don’t Gather Financial Information Early
Divorce requires dividing financial assets and using financial income to compute support. Not understanding your finances creates risk that you may not receive an equitable outcome. Before you divorce, look to understand all of your financial assets and debts, including retirement and employment benefits. Obtain recent statements, or at a minimum, understand what is out there. Also, it is valuable for you to start thinking about your post-divorce budget, which will might include new expenses for your housing. Being prepared will help minimize risk and time during your divorce.
10. The BIGGEST MISTAKE OF ALL…They Choose A Lawyer Before Choosing A Process
The biggest mistake I see is hiring a lawyer without considering what kind of lawyer you need, or understanding what path you want to take for your divorce. There are two types of lawyers, litigators and amicable lawyers. Litigators litigate, file motions, work through the court system in a very deliberative, slow, stressful process that discourages collaboration and is very expensive. Amicable lawyers strive toward collaborative solutions outside of court, but are still very expensive.
The path you choose to divorce is equally as important. If you choose to mediate, which is the healthiest, least costly and quickest path to divorce, you should instead focus your efforts on hiring an experienced mediator who is a good fit to help you both create your own agreement. Mediation allows for numerous legal reviews to ensure equity, so your focus should be on hiring a mediator and not a lawyer.
Like this article? Check out Children and Divorce: 7 Considerations