‘I don’t know who I am’ is a common thought and painstaking concern women have during and after divorce. Other very understandable things people think: ‘What am I supposed to do now?’ ‘I don’t even know who I am anymore,’ or ‘I’ve spent years being a wife and a mother. What comes next?’ Sometimes it’s simply, ‘I don’t know what I want.’
No matter how it’s phrased, the feeling is the same. Divorce has a way of shaking the foundation of your life and leaving you wondering who you are without the roles you’ve held for so long. Whether the divorce was your decision, a mutual choice, or something that completely blindsided you, it’s common to find yourself standing in unfamiliar territory asking, “What now?”
I know because I’ve been there myself. When my marriage ended, one of my core values, family, felt like it had been ripped out from underneath me. The future I thought I was building suddenly disappeared, and I found myself asking questions I never expected to face. Who am I now? What do I want? How do I move forward towards what I want?
As painful as that time was, it ultimately led me to one of the most important lessons I’ve learned: when life changes dramatically, the path forward begins by reconnecting with your values.
Why Values Matter More Than Ever During Divorce
Most people don’t spend much time thinking about their values until life forces them to. For me, that moment came during my divorce.
I suddenly realized that the life I had built no longer looked the way I expected it to, and I needed something to guide my decisions. What brought me clarity wasn’t creating a long list of goals. It was taking a step back and asking myself what truly mattered to me.
Values act as a compass when everything around you feels uncertain. They help you make decisions that align with who you are instead of reacting out of fear, anger, disappointment, or pressure from other people.
And since then? I revisit my values every year. Instead of making New Year’s resolutions, I ask myself what I value most in this season of my life. The answers aren’t always the same because life changes, and I’m committed to change with it.
One of the biggest misconceptions people have is that they should already know their values. But many women spend years focused on caring for their families, supporting their spouses, managing careers, and meeting everyone else’s needs and in doing so, somewhere along the way, they lose touch with their own values.
Divorce creates an opportunity to reconnect with them. It allows you to ask questions you may not have considered in years: What would bring me joy today? How do I want to feel at the end of this weekend? How do I like to spend my time? What matters most to me this week / month? What’s something in my life I want to move the needle on this year? What do I want this summer to feel like?
Those questions can feel uncomfortable at first, (so that’s why I suggest starting with bite size, specific questions); they’re also incredibly empowering.
When Emotions Are Running High, Decisions Get Harder
One of the challenges of divorce is that you’re often required to make some of the biggest decisions of your life while experiencing some of the strongest emotions you’ve ever felt.
You’re making decisions about money, parenting, housing, relationships, work, and your future, often while navigating grief, anger, fear, confusion, or heartbreak.
That’s why I encourage women to be thoughtful about when and how they make major decisions.
Your emotions are important. They deserve to be acknowledged and processed. But when emotions are driving the entire decision-making process, it’s easy to make choices that don’t truly serve you in the long run. When we’re emotionally overwhelmed, our perspective narrows. We may react instead of respond. We may focus only on immediate relief instead of considering the bigger picture.
Creating space between your emotions and your decisions can make an enormous difference. That might mean talking with a therapist, working with a coach, journaling, going for a walk, or simply giving yourself time before making a significant choice.
The goal isn’t to suppress your emotions. The goal is to allow both your emotions and your wisdom to have a seat at the table.
Learning to Trust Yourself Again
One thing I discovered after my divorce was how disconnected I had become from my own preferences. For years, I had become accustomed to putting everyone else’s needs first. What restaurant should we choose? Whatever everyone else wants. What should we do this weekend? I’m fine with anything.
At first, that might sound flexible or easygoing. But over time, constantly deferring to others can make it difficult to hear your own voice. When divorce forced me to start making decisions on my own again, I realized I wasn’t always sure what I wanted.
The good news is that self-trust can be rebuilt. It starts with small choices. Giving yourself permission to have preferences. Asking yourself what you think before seeking everyone else’s opinion. Honoring your instincts instead of immediately dismissing them.
Each time you do that, you strengthen your confidence in your ability to navigate your life. And after divorce, learning to trust yourself again is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.
Sometimes Our Values Compete With One Another
One of the most important things I’ve learned is that living according to your values doesn’t mean every value gets equal attention all the time. Many women struggle with this idea.
You might deeply value being present for your children while also valuing meaningful work. You might value family while also valuing personal growth and independence. Those values aren’t wrong. In fact, they’re all beautiful. But sometimes they compete for your time, energy, and attention.
The reality is that every choice comes with trade-offs. We cannot maximize every value at every moment of our lives. The key is making intentional decisions that reflect what matters most in your current season, while giving yourself grace for the things that may need to take a temporary back seat. Life isn’t about achieving perfect balance. It’s about making conscious choices that align with the person you’re becoming.
The Opportunity Hidden Inside Divorce
No one wishes for divorce. Divorce is painful, disruptive, and often heartbreaking. But for many women, it also becomes a turning point. It becomes an invitation to rediscover themselves. An update if you will. Not the superficial kind either. I’m talking about bringing our values up to date. With the version of you YOU choose.
Not the version defined by a relationship. Not the version shaped by expectations, obligations, or old stories. Not for the version needed by others, or the version of us that got labeled as such growing up. The real version. The woman with her own voice, dreams, priorities, and values.
You don’t need to have all the answers today. You don’t need a perfectly mapped-out five-year plan. You simply need the courage to get curious about yourself again.
Start by asking: What matters most to me right now? What values am I honoring? What values have I neglected? What small step can I take today that reflects the life I want to create?
The answers may not come all at once. But little by little, they will guide you toward a future that feels authentic, purposeful, and uniquely your own. And that is where true empowerment begins.
Like this article? Check out Fear of Change During Divorce: Reclaiming Your Power