Divorce mediation is a process that works extremely well if the couple getting divorced is willing to be open-minded, fair, and forthcoming. But things change. Life is always changing. Sometimes a couple ends up coming back to mediation months or even years after the divorce is final. It’s called post-decree mediation, also known as post-divorce mediation.
How post-divorce mediation works
A couple may decide to come to post-divorce mediation when they are barely speaking. Not necessarily intentionally, but they are living their lives, taking care of their children and sending a text or email when they need to discuss an issue about one of the children. Now, suddenly, an issue comes up and they are at an impasse on compromising.
When they have 1-1/2 hours or 2 uninterrupted hours to talk with a neutral mediator listening, facilitating and reframing so they can hear what their partner is requesting or saying, in addition to solving the issue they came in for, they often come away with a list of agreements about things they did not even realize were problems.
My business partner and co-mediator, Brian James and I find in many cases of post-divorce mediation, the couple is extremely relieved and/or pleased that they have had the opportunity to talk to each other. As mediators, we have mostly listened and the post-divorce couple has done most of the talking. Once they are in agreement, we create a bullet point list between the two of them, which explains the new terms.If they wish, one of them can enter an agreed order in court, or an attorney can do that for them.
Reasons for post-divorce mediation
It may be a few years since the couple has gotten divorced and the parenting schedule needs to change. Perhaps the children are older or one of the parents has a different job or needs a different day with the kids. Maybe one of the parents wants to coach a team one of the children plays on, requiring a different day with the kids. Any of these things might make the schedule more sensible if it were tweaked. For whatever reason, neither parent has approached the other about changing things. When they have scheduled post-divorce mediation about another issue which seems pressing, one of the parents will bring up the request for a change in schedule at the same time and accomplish both things at once.
In other words, there might be one specific issue one parent wants to go back to mediation, but when they start the process, they realize there are other things about the parenting plan that are not going as smoothly as they might.
Perhaps it is just that emotions have died down and the couple can think more clearly and focus on logistics. We like to say mediation should be business decisions and not emotionally driven but that is not always possible in the heat of divorce. Similarly, people have tried to focus on issues they find more pressing when they are mediating their divorce and not the issues that they think might aggravate the other person, so they do not bring those up. Often times, they are pleasantly surprised when they come away with a list of agreements just because they have had the opportunity to discuss things calmly with their ex-spouse.
Post-divorce mediation also helps us mediate the original agreement more effectively. We can be proactive about putting language in their divorce decree to address those specific concerns so that they do not become problems down the line.
How post-divorce mediation can be avoided
We always tell our clients that we hope we do not have to see them again once we have mediated their divorce. We do everything we can to make sure the agreements are as specific as possible, and that address the “what-ifs” that could occur months and years later.
Another big objective of divorce mediation is to teach parents how to communicate effectively, so that if things change they have learned in mediation how to mediate the change themselves, without having to go back to post-divorce mediation and/or litigation.
In closing, post-divorce mediation is a wonderfully quick and inexpensive way to iron out decision-making differences. Unlike mediation during divorce, in a couple of hours, you can have a fresh agreement and walk away feeling like the update you just made is best for your lifestyle, and of course your kids.
Like this article? Check out 4 Things NOT To Say During Mediation