Divorce can feel like stepping into a foreign country without a map. You’re dealing with emotional upheaval, uncertainty about the future, and important decisions involving your children, finances, property, and personal well-being. On top of all that, you’re expected to move through a legal system that may be completely unfamiliar to you.
But there’s a difference when it comes to what you can control in your divorce and what you can’t. You can’t control how your spouse behaves, what arguments the other side makes, or how a judge will ultimately rule. But there are things you can control, and focusing on those things can help you make better decisions and put yourself in a stronger position.
That’s one of the reasons I wrote my book, Legally Ending Love: Ease Your Divorce Anxiety and Walk Into Court Prepared. I wanted to make the divorce process easier to understand and give people practical information they could use to protect their rights and move forward with greater confidence.
Here’s what you can control in your divorce: 7 things you can do to get a better outcome.
1. Understand the Divorce Process
When you’re going through a divorce, you’re already dealing with a lot emotionally. Learning an unfamiliar legal system at the same time can make life feel overwhelming.
Think about traveling to a foreign country where you don’t understand the language, customs, or rules. It’s easy to make a mistake when you don’t know what’s expected of you. In a divorce, however, the consequences can affect your life for years to come.
Missing a deadline, failing to file the proper paperwork, or misunderstanding what’s expected at a hearing can affect your case and, potentially, your future.
You don’t need to memorize every statute or become a legal expert. You do need a basic understanding of the process, the rules that apply to your case, and the decisions you’ll be asked to make.
Here’s where to start.
Start by asking your attorney to explain the process. A good attorney will walk you through what happens next, what deadlines matter, and what you need to do to prepare. Understanding the process can also make your attorney’s job easier and help you use your legal fees more efficiently.
If you have the time and emotional energy, you can also observe public court proceedings. Watching a status conference or trial may help you understand what to expect. Just remember, court isn’t like television. It’s not a place to make dramatic speeches or shout objections. It’s a formal, often stressful environment with rules and procedures that matter.
Preparation brings the anxiety down. When you understand what’s coming, you’re less likely to feel blindsided by it. This will lead you to feel more confident and peaceful as you go through a scary process.
2. Identify the Issues You Need to Resolve
Before you can negotiate a divorce settlement, you need to understand exactly what issues need to be decided.
Every divorce is different. If you don’t have children, for example, you won’t need to negotiate a parenting plan. If you have significant assets or complicated finances, property division may be one of the most important parts of your case.
Common divorce issues include:
- Property division: The family home, bank accounts, retirement accounts, investments, vehicles, and other assets.
- Debt division: Credit cards, loans, mortgages, and other financial obligations.
- Spousal maintenance: Also called alimony, this involves whether one spouse should provide financial support to the other.
- Child custody and parenting: This includes decision-making authority and parenting time for your children.
- Child support: Financial support for the children.
- Attorney’s fees: In some cases, the parties may also dispute who should pay some or all of the legal fees.
Once you identify the issues in your case, you can begin gathering the information you need and thinking about your priorities.
Take spousal maintenance as an example. People sometimes assume that eligibility depends entirely on how long they’ve been married. It’s more complicated than that, and the law varies by state. A court may consider whether the person requesting support can meet their reasonable needs with their own income, along with other relevant factors.
You may also have options when negotiating a settlement. For example, someone might agree to waive a claim for spousal maintenance in exchange for receiving a greater share of the equity in the family home. Whether that’s a good trade depends on the circumstances, the numbers, and the applicable law.
Understand the issues before you make decisions. You can’t negotiate effectively if you don’t know what’s at stake.
3. Understand the Law That Applies to Your Case
Once you know which issues need to be resolved, the next step is to understand the general legal principles that apply to them. Divorce laws vary by state, so information that applies to someone in another state may not apply to you. That matters most with parenting arrangements, property division, and spousal maintenance.
Understanding the law helps you set realistic expectations and make reasonable requests.
For example, if you’re asking for a particular parenting arrangement, you should understand the legal standards a court uses to make decisions about children. Making a request that’s inconsistent with those standards may weaken your position, especially if the dispute goes before a judge.
The same principle applies to financial issues. If you’re requesting spousal maintenance or a particular division of assets, you need to understand the legal factors that influence those decisions.
Your attorney can help explain how the law applies to your specific circumstances. You can also use reliable educational resources to become more informed, but general information shouldn’t replace advice tailored to your case.
Nobody’s asking you to become a lawyer, just an informed participant in your own divorce.
When you understand the legal framework, you can have more productive conversations with your attorney, evaluate your options, and make decisions with a clearer picture of the likely consequences.
4. Decide What You Really Want
One of the first questions I ask clients is simple: What do you want when everything is said and done?
It sounds obvious, but many people enter divorce negotiations without having thought carefully about their priorities. They may be reacting to what their spouse wants, what their friends recommend, or what feels emotionally satisfying in the moment.
You need a target.
Imagine throwing darts without knowing where the bullseye is. You might hit something, but you’re unlikely to hit close to the area you want. The same is true of divorce negotiations. If you don’t know what outcome you’re working toward, it’s difficult to develop an effective strategy.
Start by making a list of what matters most to you. Then, prioritize it.
You may want to remain in the family home, receive financial support, protect your retirement savings, or establish a parenting schedule that works for your children. Some goals will be more important than others, and you may not be able to achieve every single one.
That’s why prioritization matters. Focus your energy on the issues that will have the greatest impact on your future rather than trying to win every disagreement.
You’ll also need to separate an emotional desire from a practical solution.
For example, you may want to keep the family home because moving feels like one more painful change. But can you afford the mortgage, taxes, insurance, maintenance, and other expenses on your post-divorce income? Would keeping the house leave you without enough money for other needs?
On the other hand, you may initially assume you can’t afford to keep the house, only to discover after meeting with a financial professional that you have more resources than you realized.
You don’t have to make every decision immediately. Your priorities may change as you learn more about your finances and legal options. That’s okay.
If you have an attorney, communicate your changes to them. Your attorney needs to understand your goals so they can adjust the strategy accordingly.
This is your life. You shouldn’t agree to an outcome that conflicts with your considered priorities simply because you feel pressured to make a decision.
5. Support Your Arguments With Evidence
One of the biggest misconceptions about divorce is that telling the truth is enough to guarantee a favorable outcome.
Honesty matters. But when an issue is disputed, a court generally needs evidence to support the claims being made. You must be prepared to demonstrate why the outcome you’re requesting is justified.
Think of it this way: If you ask your employer for a raise, you might explain why you believe you deserve one. But your argument becomes more persuasive when you can show your sales numbers, accomplishments, and contributions to the company.
The same principle applies in divorce.
Suppose you’re requesting spousal maintenance because you believe your income won’t cover your reasonable living expenses after the divorce. You may need documentation showing your historical income, current earnings, monthly expenses, insurance costs, housing costs, and other financial obligations.
If your ability to earn more money is disputed, additional evidence about your earning potential may be relevant.
The more of your story you can back up with paper, the less you’re asking the judge to take your word for it.
6. Create a Plan to Get the Information You Need
Once you know what you want and what evidence supports your position, you need a plan for getting the information that’s missing.
You may already have access to some financial records, such as your tax returns, W-2 forms, bank statements, or retirement account information. But you may not have everything you need to understand the complete financial picture.
Start by identifying what you have and what you still need.
For example, suppose you suspect that your spouse has financial accounts or income that you don’t know about. Rather than relying on suspicion alone, discuss the situation with your attorney and determine what steps are appropriate to investigate it.
A credit report may help identify credit accounts you were unaware of. Statements for those accounts may provide additional information about balances, payments, and spending. Other records may be needed to understand income, assets, or debts.
Approach your case with forethought and a plan.
7. Try to Resolve Your Divorce Outside of Court
Whenever it’s appropriate and safe to do so, consider whether you can resolve your divorce through negotiation or mediation rather than going to trial.
Court may be necessary in some cases, particularly when there are serious disputes or when a fair agreement can’t be reached. But litigation has significant drawbacks.
It can be expensive, time-consuming, emotionally draining, and unpredictable. When you take a disputed issue to a judge, you’re asking someone who doesn’t know your family to make a decision that may affect your life for years to come.
Even with a skilled attorney and strong evidence, you still can’t control the outcome of a trial.
Negotiating a settlement gives you more direct control over the terms of your divorce. You and your spouse can work toward an agreement that addresses your particular needs, rather than leaving every disputed issue for a judge to decide.
Settlement usually requires compromise. You may not get everything on your wish list, and you may need to let go of issues that are less important to you. But compromise can offer something valuable in return: greater certainty about the result.
There may also be benefits beyond the immediate legal outcome.
When both parties have a voice in creating an agreement, they may be more invested in following it. That matters even more when you’ll be co-parenting and communicating about your children long after the divorce.
You Can’t Control Everything, but control what you can control: Preparation.
Divorce is difficult because so much about your future can feel uncertain. You may be worried about your children, your finances, where you’ll live, and what your life will look like when the process is over.
You may also feel pressure to make major decisions when you’re emotionally exhausted.
Give yourself permission to take things one step at a time. Learn the process, identify the issues, understand the law, decide what matters most, gather your evidence, make a plan, and look for ways to resolve disputes without unnecessary litigation.
These steps won’t guarantee a perfect divorce outcome. No attorney can promise that. But they can help you become a more informed, prepared, and active participant in decisions that will affect your future.
I wrote Legally Ending Love: Ease Your Divorce Anxiety and Walk Into Court Prepared so you don’t have to figure any of this out alone. It takes what I’ve learned in more than 27 years of family law, the deadlines, the evidence, the questions to ask your attorney, and puts it in one place you can mark up, tab, and come back to every time something new lands in your inbox. If you buy it by October 19, you’ll also get my Property & Debt Inventory and Discovery Planner apps free. They’re built to walk you through steps 2 and 6 of this article. Just send your proof of purchase here, and you’ll have access within 24 hours.
The post What You Can Control in Your Divorce: 7 Ways to Get a Better Outcome appeared first on Divorce Blog | Divorce Support Blogs.