Domestic violence is one of the most heartbreaking and difficult realities I encounter as a divorce attorney. Recently, a tragic case in the Chicago area deeply affected me: a woman was murdered by her boyfriend after prior reports of domestic violence had already been made. She had called the police before. She had left and returned. And now a child is left without his mother.
After stories like this make the news, the same question inevitably appears in social media comments and conversations:
“Why didn’t she leave?”
It is a question rooted in misunderstanding. And it is the wrong question entirely. The better question is: “What makes it so hard for someone to leave an abusive relationship safely?”
As someone who works closely with people navigating divorce, custody disputes, and abusive relationships, I want to help people understand the psychological, emotional, financial, and practical realities behind domestic violence. Because awareness saves lives.
Abuse Rarely Starts With Violence
One of the biggest misconceptions about abusive relationships is that they begin with obvious danger. In reality, many abusive partners initially present themselves as charming, attentive, loving, and even protective.
They may “love bomb” their partner with affection, gifts, attention, and promises. They often appear successful, charismatic, and caring to the outside world. Friends and family may even admire them.
Over time, however, the relationship changes.
The controlling behavior starts subtly. Isolation from friends and family. Monitoring texts and calls. Emotional manipulation. Jealousy disguised as love. Criticism disguised as concern.
By the time physical violence appears, the victim is often emotionally entangled, financially dependent, frightened, isolated, or hopeful the person they originally fell in love with will return.
This is why asking, “Why didn’t she leave?” oversimplifies a deeply complex and dangerous situation.
Fear Is a Powerful Barrier
Leaving an abusive relationship is not simply a matter of packing a bag and walking out the door.
For many victims, leaving is the most dangerous moment in the relationship.
Abusers often escalate when they feel they are losing control. Victims may fear retaliation, stalking, financial ruin, threats involving children, or even death. Some are told repeatedly that no one will believe them. Others have been emotionally conditioned to think the abuse is somehow their fault.
In many cases, victims are also worried about:
- Protecting their children
- Having enough money to survive
- Finding safe housing
- Losing custody
- Being judged by family or friends
- Starting over emotionally and financially
These fears are real, valid, and often overwhelming.
The Public Often Misunderstands Abuse
One thing that struck me after this recent tragedy was the number of comments online blaming the victim. People questioned her choices, her judgment, and her decision to stay.
But abuse is not rational. It is psychological warfare.
Many abusers portray themselves publicly as victims. They deny responsibility, manipulate narratives, and convince others they are misunderstood. Meanwhile, the actual victim may feel confused, ashamed, exhausted, and trapped.
Domestic violence is not limited to one demographic. It affects people across all ages, income levels, professions, and backgrounds. It can happen to highly educated, successful, intelligent individuals just as easily as anyone else.
Abuse thrives in silence and misunderstanding.
That is why education matters.
The Importance of Support Systems
One of the most important things someone experiencing abuse can have is support without judgment.
Victims need people who will listen instead of criticize. They need access to safe housing, legal guidance, counseling, financial resources, and advocacy organizations that understand the complexity of abuse.
Organizations like A Safe Place provide lifesaving resources for survivors of domestic violence, including emergency shelter, counseling, legal advocacy, and prevention programs.
In my own work as a divorce attorney, I have seen firsthand how transformative the right support system can be. When people feel safe, heard, and empowered, they are far more likely to take steps toward protecting themselves and their children.
If Someone You Know Is in an Abusive Relationship
If you suspect someone you love may be experiencing abuse, avoid asking questions like:
- “Why are you still with them?”
- “Why don’t you just leave?”
- “How could you let this happen?”
Instead, try:
- “I’m here for you.”
- “You don’t deserve this.”
- “How can I help you stay safe?”
- “You are not alone.”
Judgment creates shame. Compassion creates trust. And trust may be the very thing that helps someone eventually seek help.
Final Thoughts
Domestic violence is not a private issue. It is a community issue. It affects children, families, workplaces, schools, and entire communities. We need more awareness, more empathy, and more education around the realities of abusive relationships. Most importantly, we need to stop blaming victims for the abuse inflicted upon them.
The question should never be: “Why didn’t she leave?” The question should be: “How do we create safer pathways for people to leave and rebuild their lives?”